alternative freak

I was thinking about my list today.

Questions people don’t want answers to:

The classic – Are you all right?
What they are actually saying is, it will make me feel good about myself if I show concern towards you. However, I want the answer to be yes, if it’s not I don’t know what else to say, so will have to start spluttering platitudes, please answer yes.

Did you have a good day?
Again, it will make me feel as if I am being a good friend/parent etc., if I ask this, but please don’t bore me with an answer. I’m not really interested in the trivial details of your life.

Any other inane question, in fact, people often ask you dullard questions like this so that they can then tell you about their day. I normally adopt the “does it look as if I have the slightest interest” expression. But this tends to annoy people, particularly my mum who feels that if she’s lecturing me on her day she’s spending “quality time” with me. Another Americanism – the whole world revolves round crappy sayings that mean absolutely sod all.

And while I’m on about crappy sayings what about “a stitch in time saves nine”, how crap is that? Perhaps you’re supposed to adopt the hand on chin, furrowed brow and a deeply felt “hmmmm”, every time you hear that old chestnut.

When I had my interaction with Jade yesterday about the all important size of breasts issue, I could see in her eyes that she didn’t really want to interact with me at all, but felt that my derisive snort had affected her street cred – it couldn’t possibly be ignored. Most of my “peers” steer very clear of me, as if there is a magic circle of personal space surrounding me. They think I’m a bit of a psycho, but not as much of a psycho as Jed Carter (Jed, I ask you?). He really is a psycho, he went to the same middle school as me and from the start, he had a disconcerting habit of flicking his willy out of his flies. You’d be sitting round one of those hexagonal tables, small, with matching small chairs at the age of five, listening hard to what you should/should not be doing. When all of a sudden Jed Carter’s willy would be on the table and he would have a grin on his face, note, this was not a friendly “Hi, I’m Jed,” grin. It was a Dr Death “I am really mad and dangerous grin.”

Jed seemed to think that this was a very scary thing to do, and to be fair to him, it bloody well was, but you get used to it. I’ve seen his willy change from a pathetic scrap of skin to a horrible purple-headed monster – he’s 16 next week and he still hasn’t stopped flicking it out at every opportunity. Jed also tortures animals, but most people are more concerned with the willy thing.