I woke up feeling really pissed off and bored this morning. Everyone was annoying me and I ended up having a go at Claire when she sneered at me and asked if I had boyfriend trouble. I was really nasty to her and said some bitchy things just because I knew that they’d really hurt her, like that she was fat and spotty and that nobody like her much which was why she was so interested in what I was doing. I knew as I was saying it that she would be really upset and I could see her face crumbling, but I was angry and couldn’t stop myself, then when she burst into tears, instead of saying sorry or at least being kind, I just walked off telling her that it was typical of her to cry like a baby. Then I felt doubly bad about everything and couldn’t apologise to her because I was still angry and although I knew I’d been a complete bitch I still sort of thought that she deserved it. The thing is with Claire that she doesn’t know when to keep away from me and she hasn’t got a quick tongue so when I really go for her jugular she’s like a kitten who’s being savaged by a Doberman.
In the afternoon Matt turned up out of the blue and wanted to know why I was avoiding him, I said that I hadn’t been avoiding him, I just hadn’t been very well, which he thought was a pathetic excuse since obviously I could have returned his phone calls. He kept asking me what was really wrong, but I couldn’t tell him, I mean how would it have sounded. “Oh, well the thing is I’m embarrassed about having a conversation about sex with you.†What am I? Ten years old. So I kept saying there was nothing wrong and he took that to mean that there was and I wasn’t saying so eventually he said that he had to go and I knew that if he left now with this situation going on that it might all be over. What a nightmare, in the end I said that Imogen and I were going to the pub tonight and would he come, I said that I had been going to phone him but that he turned up before I could. I don’t think he believed me, but there was a gratifyingly relieved look on his face and he said that he’d see us at eight. I can’t believe what a complete and total socially inept idiotic fool I am. I spend all this time thinking everyone else has no brain and then act like a ridiculous sap. I get drunk say some stupid stuff, then get embarrassed and hide, then take it out on everyone else and lie to people, then I can’t admit it when I get the chance and jeopardise a really good relationship and now I’m going to have to phone up Imogen, pretend that I’ve had a sudden recovery and persuade her not only to go to the pub, but to say that we planned it earlier in the morning. On top of that, I’ll have to lie to Mum, she’ll be bad enough about me going out, with tomorrow being the first day of school. If I had a stick I’d hit myself over the head with it. I hate myself.