alternative freak

Off to the Swan tonight, I’m looking forward to it, I haven’t seen Matt all week, we just seem to have managed to miss bumping into each other and when I phoned him, he wasn’t in. Imogen says that she wants to start making plans for my birthday. . . I bet she’s got some terrible idea up her sleeve.

Went to see Uncle Angus this morning, he was still moaning, he is able to have his hip operation in a couple of days, apparently, you normally have to wait, but because his break was bad, it doesn’t seem worth fixing it and then replacing his hip. I really enjoyed seeing him, even though he was moaning, but I kept thinking of last night. We had a great time, Imogen was really sparky and funny, Matt was pleased to see me and was quite cuddly and attentive, which is sometimes annoying, but I liked it last night. Even Jed turned up in an almost normal frame of mind and got into our rounds (he normally insists on just buying his and not buying for anyone else or having them buy for him). He seemed quite relaxed, as if his telling us about his sister had taken a burden off him – but maybe it was me doing the usual and thinking too deeply rather than thinking he may just have been having a good time. Imogen and I had the birthday discussion – she wanted me to have a full-blown party, but I really didn’t want to, I don’t know that many people well enough, or like them enough to invite them to a party. I wanted to just have a little get together, but by the end of the night it was decided that there would be a party at Imogen’s and she would be in charge of the guest list, not only that, but she’s decided that the party will be held on the 14th which is not the weekend closest to my birthday, but in fact Valentines Day . . . Today, this is really worrying me.

Swan again, it’s a good job I don’t buy clothes, make up and magazines out of my pocket money, or I’d have no money left for going to the Swan, as it is, I haven’t bought a book in months and am really fed up with my book collection at the moment. But at least Mum has got used to me going out and doesn’t question me about where I’m going at the weekend. Although Claire has made a couple of cracks – she thinks that if I can go out on a Friday and Saturday nights and not study then I’ve got time for the washing up. I told her that she ought to get her own life, rather than worry about mine. She told me to piss off – so articulate. More studying with Imogen today, the mocks start tomorrow – some days it’s not too bad, we just seem to get on, have a bit of a laugh and before you know it, have done a couple of hours revising, other times, it’s a hard slog and the minutes tick past as you realise that you haven’t absorbed anything at all. On top of all this, it’s Uncle Angus’s operation tomorrow, I’m going to see him after school. I’ll wait with him until Mum is finished at work. Claire and Andrew aren’t going to go, Mum said that it might be too much if they all came too and they weren’t bothered anyway.

Uncle Angus looked terrible today, he looked just like an old man, he was very pale and weak, he even seemed to have shrunk a bit. There was no sparkle in his eye at all, he just answered questions on how he felt and that sort of thing and for the rest of the time he was quiet. I felt awful, he’s always been such a strong natured man, but now he seems diminished. The mocks were ok today, in fact, they were quite easy.

More mocks, it’s like a conveyor belt, I nipped in to see Uncle Angus. He was a bit livelier, but not much. Imogen is coming round later for more studying, but I’m a bit knackered.

What a shit day, first of all, there was a commotion in the maths mock. This idiot called Brendon had a massive nose bleed and had to be taken out, he walked past Jade and managed to drop some blood on her paper and she started making all sorts of fuss and going on about HIV (except she called it Aids), for God’s sake, she is such an idiot, always has to make a fuss and make other people feel badly. On top of that, I managed to have a row with Imogen without even trying. I asked her how her dad was doing, she said he was the same as usual. Which made me think that he must be drinking and crying like he was before, so I asked her if she’d managed to get in touch with her aunt. She suddenly turned on me and told me that I was the biggest hypocrite she’d ever met, saying that I always really complained if people poked their nose into my business, but that I thought it was OK to try and poke my nose into hers, and who told me I had the right to do that anyway. I was quite shocked and stood there, not knowing what to say, but it didn’t matter, because she stormed off. I popped in to see Uncle Angus, he suddenly seemed much better, he had more colour in his cheeks – my God, I sound like an old wive’s tale – and he seemed much brighter. He was back to making caustic comments about people and told me that the man two beds away must have a sorry past, since he woke Uncle Angus up in the night, shouting “Sorry, I’m so sorry,” Uncle Angus thinks that he must have committed some very grave sin in the past!!

Imogen called for me on the way to school today and acted as if nothing had happened. I was going to phone her last night and apologise, but I didn’t, I don’t know why, I think I just thought that I’d sort it out today. But she turned up and pretended that nothing had happened so that saved me the trouble. It makes me uneasy though, I don’t like unresolved business and I’d rather bring it up and say that I didn’t mean to upset her etc. But there was no room to do this today. . .
Pub tonight. I didn’t see Uncle Angus, but I phoned and he asked me to bring him some cryptic crosswords when I see him tomorrow – he really is getting better.

What a night. Went to the pub with Imogen and Matt, but after a bit Imogen said that she was moving on with Paul – who is a regular at the Swan, but not one of the ones who usually hang round Imogen, she was going off to a party with him and wanted Matt and I to go, but we didn’t fancy it. She didn’t seem that bothered, which was a good thing, I was really hoping we wouldn’t get dragged into it, especially since this was the weekend that we should have celebrated my birthday, rather than next weekend. Anyway, Matt and I decided to go back to his instead of staying at the pub all night. It was his idea since his house was empty, and I was happy and feeling quite relaxed. When we got to his we got a drink and then went and listened to some music in his room, it was really nice and intimate and I suddenly thought, well now or never and intimated without actually saying it that I was ready to take things further. It was as if he’d been waiting for me to say that to him and he took charge. I can’t believe I’ve actually had sex, the thing is, it wasn’t anything like I’d expected it to be, you see all this stuff on telly, or read it in books and it’s nothing like the real thing. It was kind of fumbly, and kind of not spontaneous, although that’s because I’d had to say that it was all right. But most of all, it really hurt. It was over quickly and it didn’t seem like a huge occasion had happened. This sounds really mean to Matt, it sounds as if I didn’t enjoy it (actually, I’m not sure I did), but it wasn’t that he was rubbish or anything, it just wasn’t what I thought it would be like and then it was awkward afterwards, he asked me if I was OK and I said yes. I was OK. And then I asked him to make me a cup of tea because I wanted to get myself together and get my clothes back on with him out of the room – how ridiculous is that?

Imogen came over to study today, she had a really good time at the party and danced all night. I didn’t tell her anything about last night. There’s only a week and a half left of mocks. On top of that she was mumbling on about “my party”. I have a bad feeling about this. . . .

Sixteen today, it’s odd, I actually feel as if this birthday means something, the last time I can remember thinking that about a birthday was when I turned ten. I can remember being really impressed that I was in “double figures” what a sap!! Anyway, it was a great day today, I got some great presents, I actually felt special (which is something that I don’t normally feel, or want to feel), Matt bought me a beautiful pair of silver earrings with a matching necklace, they are set with amethyst and are a bit hippyfied. Then, embarrassingly enough, it appeared that Mum had spoken to Imogen and that she had sorted out her and Matt coming round for dinner. Mum cooked a special dinner with a starter, a main course and a birthday cake to finish, it was really naff, because everyone sang happy birthday. But the funny thing was that even though it was really naff, I enjoyed it and quite liked the attention – actually, maybe that’s not what I mean. What I mean is that I really enjoyed having all the people I love most around me – what a sap, I can’t believe I just wrote that and anyway, it’s not true, Uncle Angus is still in hospital.

Jed was back at school yesterday, there are still loads of rumours about him being excluded. No one seems to know the truth, bloody idiots, bitching on about stuff when they don’t know what they’re talking about. Uncle Angus is coming out of hospital tomorrow, there was all sorts of rumpus as the hospital didn’t want him to go home alone and Mum was trying to persuade him to come and stay with us. Needless to say Uncle Angus was not keen on this plan. In the end there’s been a compromise of one of us visiting him every day and some home help coming in, along with meals on wheels. (Uncle Angus says they need not bother as he is not going to be eating that sort of nonsense.)

I got a card from Matt today – it didn't even occur to me to get one for him, I hate all this Valentine crap. It was awkward though, because Matt got embarrassed that he'd got on for me. I never do things right.

Uncle Angus came out yesterday – he must be a whole lot better because he was bossing everyone about and hassling everybody. I stayed in with him last night and he tested me on my history GCSE which I had to sit today. He’s actually walking about a bit as you’re supposed to get as much exercise as you can. Last day of mocks tomorrow and the last day of school before half term – thank God.

There seem to be a few people coming to my party, Imogen has asked them, she hasn’t picked the biggest idiots in the school, but there are a few that I wouldn’t normally be seen dead talking to – I mean attempting to talk to them as we clearly have nothing in common. It really pisses me off that these are the same people who not so long ago thought I was a lesbian psycho and now they’re just coming along. I could strangle Imogen, she is a nutter.

I’m definitely going to strangle Imogen, now I find out that she’s invited Claire and Andrew – Is she mad? And, not only that but they’re bringing some mates, Claire is even bringing this bloke who works in the coffee bar next to her shoe shop. She actually asked me what I thought she should wear – I can’t believe it. I am dreading tonight, it will be a total nightmare.

I feel really rough this morning. The party was a nightmare, just as I expected. Luckily the saps from school didn’t bother me too much as they all stayed in little groups and didn’t mix, there was a load of drunken, stupid behaviour though – loads of turning the music up so loud that it shook the house and had the neighbours complaining – it was so hilarious, not. Some idiot would tell the neighbour they would turn it down, get it turned down and then two minutes later turn it up even louder and laugh and put two fingers up out the window, it was so funny I nearly died laughing, what pratts. Then Imogen’s dad stumbled in, he was clearly already drunk, but he just stood about drinking whiskey and staring at people, at least there was no crying this time. Claire was really showing off with the coffee boy in tow, and Andrew was obviously drinking too much and getting all loud and stupid. Maybe it was me, not being in the mood for it. I got angry because I felt that I’d almost been forced into going to this party when I didn’t want to, and I didn’t want these idiots to think I was their friend and it all seemed really shabby and stupid. But at the same time I felt guilty because Imogen had done all this for me and I should have told her I didn’t want it rather than letting her go to all this trouble and then moan about it. So the upshot was that I drank loads more than I wanted to and hardly talked to anyone. Matt was chatting to people from the pub for most of the night and obviously wanted me to go and join him but I just couldn’t be arsed.

I went to see Uncle Angus yesterday, he is getting about much better now, so we don’t have to make sure that he has a visit every day which is good, he hates it when he thinks he’s dependant on people. Neither Claire nor Andrew have bothered to see him since he’s been home, which I think is really crap of them. When I said something to Claire about it, she said “Leave off, you’re his favourite,” Leave off? What an idiot. At least Andrew was truthful when he said that he couldn’t be bothered, selfish git.

This half term has ended up being really boring. The weather’s been crap, Claire is always mooching around the house and I have hardly seen Matt or Imogen. I am going to Imogen’s tonight and then we’re going to the pub, Matt is coming in later.

Imogen’s Dad has been done for drink driving, he’s furious and thinks that he’s been badly treated!! Funnily enough, Imogen thinks that he’s been hard done by too, I don’t know why, he was about three times over the limit, he’s going to lose his license and will get a big fine as well.

Popped in to see Uncle Angus, he seems fine, which was good since everything else seems so dull at the moment. There was all that fuss about mocks and now they’re over and it seems such an anti climax

Pub last night – pretty boring, Matt didn’t come, but he’s coming tonight. Even Jed Carter wasn’t there, so most of the night I had to sit on my own and watch Imogen flirting about. I think she quite likes Paul, she spent quite a lot of time talking to him. She did sit with me some of the time. She said her dad had a doctor’s appointment on Monday.

It was really good last night – about time too, as this week has been really crap and boring. I don’t think that I’ve been in a good mood since my “party”. I must have been a bit grumpy because Claire said: “are you on, or something?” I could have smacked her, silly cow. Anyway, it was good last night, Matt was in a really good mood, Jed turned up and was being dry and funny. He was talking about some of the crap answers he put on his mock papers, he’s never been very good at school, he’s always in the bottom classes, in fact, I don’t know how well he can read. That card that he sent Imogen after her mum died was full of mistakes. I hope he does get some qualifications, otherwise he’ll never get away from home. Imogen came over with Paul, who isn’t too bad a bloke. He says some stupid stuff sometimes and tries to talk about and tease Imogen as if she’s not there sometimes – he actually thinks we’re going to laugh along. I think he got the message eventually, after we’d stared at him blankly when he did it.

I can’t believe I was moaning about being bored at half term, school today was the most boring thing. We’re supposed to be still “getting our heads down” there’s “no time to let up between now and the actual exams.” But everyone seems bored and there’s loads of bitching and whispering and all that crap starting up again. That stupid idiot Jade walked past me and said “you think you’re so great don’t you?” for no reason at all. I was really annoyed, not at what she said, but because she caught me off guard and I didn’t say anything in response.

Imogen says that her dad has been prescribed some anti-depressants, apparently he was offered the chance to go onto a waiting list to see a councillor but he didn’t want to. He seems to have accepted that he does need some help though.

Jade is still swaggering round school as if she’s he most important person in the world.