alternative freak

Mum’s asked us to all be in for Sunday dinner – great. I don’t know why, Andrew thinks it’s something to do with creepy Steve who’s still lurking around every corner in the house all the time.

I had sex with Matt again last night, I’d said that I’d go to his house instead of going to the pub again – we went last night. Anyway, I kind of knew that we’d probably have sex, I wasn’t that sure if I wanted to or not, not for any reason, it’s just, oh – I don’t know what it is. We haven’t done it since the first time, and I know that Matt has hinted at us doing it again, but I avoided the question or a discussion on it. I just feel awkward and I don’t know if I made the right decision about doing it in the first place. Anyway, I knew I couldn’t put the issue off anymore, and I did have a conversation with Matt at his house, but it was one of the crappest conversation I’ve ever been involved in. I ended up burbling like a complete pratt and not saying what I wanted to say (mostly because I didn’t know what I wanted to say). Anyway, Matt said he couldn’t see much of a problem since we’d done it before and I could see what he meant, and I thought that we might as well give it another go, maybe the first time is always awkward and sore. This time wasn’t that different though, and I almost wish we’d never done it in the first place because it seems as if once you have you can’t go back to not having done it. The expectation is that you’ll do it all the time.

Not only has Mum asked creepy Steve to move in, but she actually had him there over the meal while she told us. I don’t know what she expected us to say – oh great, well that’ll be nice. We sat there and didn’t say anything, in fact, if it hadn’t been for the fact that it’s such bad news it would have been funny because Claire, Andrew and I just looked down at our dinner plates and never said a word. This prompted Steve to blunder in about not trying to take the place of our father. What an idiot, there is no place to take. . . Eventually Mum asked us if it was OK, to which Claire replied, “yes, if it makes you happy.” Which is actually a kind and grown up thing to say and surprised me. Andrew said “I suppose so,” in a tone of voice which clearly meant, no it bloody well isn’t you nutters. I could only manage a “Mmm” because it wasn’t alright but I knew what Claire meant, and I do want Mum to be happy, but I don’t want that creep lurking around all the time.

The cheek of Dad, Andrew mentioned to him about Steve moving in and Dad is coming down to meet him. He even said it was to see if he was suitable to be round his children. I can’t believe what an utter hypocrite Dad is. He just pissed off, married someone else and is now having a baby. All the time he practically ignores us, until this happens and his pride or something has been hurt. He’s like a kid who won’t share his toys even after he’s finished playing with them. Did some more studying today, the exams start in a couple of months and I don’t know if I’ll ever remember the last two years of work, the mock results will be out in a few weeks. I can’t tell whether I’ve done alright in them or not, sometimes I think I did, and other times, I think I haven’t.

Janice the cutter lost it today. I don’t know what happened but suddenly she just started screaming and crying in the middle of break time, she was standing by herself, so I don’t think that there was anyone else involved. It was terrible, because everyone just stood and watched her. Nobody went over to see if she was OK, they just stood and stared. I don’t know why I’m saying “they” I was one of the “they” I just stood and stared too. After a few minutes she just walked out of school and she wasn’t back this afternoon. There’s a real buzz going on about it, people want to know what’s going on. Jade was her usual understanding self when she told Rebecca it was because Janice was “stupid Ho”.

Mum is wittering on about Steve moving in on Saturday and trying to “organise the house”. I don’t see why we have to organise anything. Why can’t he just fit in with us and the way we live?

I went to see Uncle Angus today and told Imogen I could only go to the pub tomorrow and not tonight as well. It was OK though as she was going to the pictures with Paul – who she’s not actually going out with. . .Uncle Angus is much better, he insisted that he doesn’t want meals on wheels anymore and people coming round. But it was really impressed on him that if he stopped that then it would be difficult to start them up again if he needed them. Also, mum added that if he did that she would feel that she had to visit him every day so he’s sticking with arrangements as they are. It doesn’t take much to terrify Uncle Angus into submission these days, you just have to threaten to take away a bit of his independence. It’s really sad, because although he’s much better, he’s not half as fierce as he used to be and he seems older and frailer.

The whole world had to stop today – Steve moved in as if it was a world peace summit. Everybody had to be involved and he is really anal about his stuff, liking it just so. What a wanker.

It was great at the pub last night, we all had a really good laugh. Imogen sat with us for quite a while. She’s trying to get rid of Paul as he keeps hassling her to go out with him properly and she doesn’t want to. She only wants to be friends, I think sometimes those blokes at the bar get the wrong idea about Imogen, she doesn’t want a boyfriend, she just wants to be friends. She would suit someone like Matt, who is happy to be close, but casual with both of us having space. Jed came and sat with us and he told quite a few funny stories. He’s actually got a great sense of humour and is really good company when he’s relaxed. It’s only every now and then that he gets that psycho look in his eye.

Janice is back at school today, she looks really wretched. Scuttling about and keeping her head down. I don’t know what’s bothering her, but she looks as if she’s tipping over the edge. That bitch Jade sensing vulnerability has started to pick on her, saying nasty things when she knows that Janice can hear. She is such a nasty piece of work.

Creepy Steve insisted on taking us all out to dinner “to thank us for having him”. He’s such a creep and apart from that, his idea of dinner out is Pizza Hut. Claire and Andrew really like Pizza Hut, but I think it’s really crap. It was embarrassing because there was someone that Andrew knew from school there and I bet he thought Steve was our dad. Claire liked it because she had wine, I refused to have any.

God, life is boring at times.

Fine at the pub last night.

Dad was down today; I tried to ignore him as much as possible. He’s going out with Mum and Steve for dinner tonight, to “get to know” Steve. Mum and Steve are being really civilised about it all, but I can tell they are both furious about Dad’s interference. Jade and Rebecca turned up at The Swan last night, Jade wasn’t with Lee, I heard that they have split up, but I don’t know if it’s true. She kept staring over, and I don’t know if she was staring at me, Imogen or Matt. Jed turned up later with a bruise on the side of his face. I asked him what had happened but he ignored the question, later I asked him if it was his Dad, but he ignored that question too. He was very quiet and broody all night. He and Matt arranged to play pool tomorrow afternoon.

Mum just said, “It was fine” when I asked her how it went with Dad last night. But I think he must have pissed her off as she couldn’t disguise how made she was with him. Uncle Angus came over for lunch today. Steve went and picked him up in the car – god he really does make himself at home. Uncle Angus was quiet most of the time and fell asleep in the armchair in the afternoon. Mum started going on about being worried about him taking care of himself after he’d gone. She said they might have to find him some sheltered accommodation soon. I told her she was mad if she thought he would put up with that. Then she really annoyed me because she said it was time that both Uncle Angus and I realised that he was not a young man anymore and that he was barely taking care of himself. She said that he hadn’t shaved in days and that she couldn’t tell when he’d last had a bath. I told her that he didn’t bother about that sort of thing and he never had. But she said that it was one thing making a conscious effort not to look after himself, but now he was not as capable as he used to be. I stormed off and left her lecturing herself. I really felt like crying, she’ll break what spirit he’s got left if she tries to take over his life.

I went to see Uncle Angus today, he seemed much more like his old self, and he’d had a shave. I told Mum this, but she said I should stop trying to kid myself. What a cheek, she didn’t see him today.

There was a really horrible fight after school today between Jade and Janice. Jade has been picking on Janice since she cried at break. Janice, who wouldn’t have taken that crap from Jade before, just kept taking it, either ignoring Jade, or showing that it upset her. The more she let Jade take the piss out of her, the more Jade did it. She’d told a few people that she was going to “do” Janice on the way home and there was a big buzz after school, people were following Jade out of the gates. Janice was oblivious to this and before she knew it, Jade had jumped her and thrown her to the ground. She was kicking her and shouting insults at her. Janice just curled up into a ball and cried, it was horrible, like torturing an animal. Then all of a sudden it was over and Jade walked off with Rebecca following her. Janice got up and ran off crying, it was really, really horrible. Imogen and I hardly spoke at all on the way home. We were both feeling guilty, we should have done something.

I’ve got to hand it to Janice – she marched into school today with a face like thunder. Then she went up to Jade, grabbed her by the scruff of the neck and growled, “you’d better keep out of my way.” She looked really fierce, I think Jade is crapping herself over it. She’s not tough at all, she’s just a bully.

Steve went off to play squash tonight, so we were on our own at last, which was nice, until Mum asked us to at least make a bit of an effort with Steve. And she was looking at me when she said it. I said that I wasn’t nasty to Steve, I just couldn’t be bothered. Then Mum said that’s exactly what she meant and it was about time I grew up and stopped being selfish. Selfish, can you believe that? It’s not me who’s moved a boyfriend in.

Matt and I went to the pictures last night, the film was really crap, American rubbish, full of stereotypes and a plot that even the stupidest person in the world could understand, but the filmmakers thought they had to make everything even more obvious with music and repetitive shots. Then, of course, there was a great big weepy finale where the underdog came good. Matt thought it was rubbish too, but it was nice sitting next to him anyway. Imogen dragged me off to the shops this morning, it was really grim.

I phoned Willa today, I don’t know why, I just thought I’d pop in and see her for a chat. I didn’t mention it to Mum, she seemed really relieved when I told her that Willa and I had decided not to see each other every week. At the time, I thought Mum had a right cheek, considering that she was the one who insisted I go. But now I can see that it’s taken a weight of her mind – me behaving a bit more like the rest of her children (although I still resent this and the notion of normality), but anyway, I didn’t want to worry her about wanting to see Willa. I’m going on Friday.

I’ve made another exam studying timetable. I keep meaning to do some studying but before I know it the evening’s gone and I think that I’ll do it tomorrow and never get round to it. I must get some studying done or I’ll never get out of this bloody place.

Did some studying according to the timetable. It wasn’t too bad.

Did some studying with Imogen, I didn’t have to do any according to the timetable, so feel quite proud of myself. I am a sad fool.

It was actually really nice to see Willa today. She was her usual self, calm and interested but not intrusive. She asked me if there was anything in particular that I wanted to talk to her about, but I said no not really. But as we were chatting, various things came out that I did want to talk to her about. I told her about Imogen’s dad, and how I hoped that it would sort out now that he was taking anti-depressants. She said that she thought it would be ok but that I should try and support Imogen, as it must be a difficult time for her. We also spoke about Steve moving in, Willa said that these kinds of things were often difficult, but that sometimes it was best to try and get along with people, as it was easier than the tension caused by conflict. We even talked about Matt and sex, unsurprisingly, she thought that I should only have sex if I was totally comfortable, never mind what anyone else wanted. Of course it all makes sense, but it’s easier said than done. It’s good talking to Willa – I think I’ve made her sound a bit boring, but she wasn’t, she was just friendly and she makes things seem clearer, even if they’re not any easier.

We’re off to a party tonight, Imogen has been phoning to talk about what we’re wearing!!