alternative freak

Jed turned up at my house out of the blue today, I hadn’t seen him for ages, to talk to. He had been in school but was like a shadow, disappearing all the time. We went for a walk and I asked him if he was doing some studying for the exams. He said that he had got really bad marks for his mocks, but wanted to try and do well with the real exams or he would never get out of here. Then he asked me if I would help him, so I said I would but I’m a bit worried as I need to do loads of studying myself, I told him that Imogen was coming round tomorrow and that we could all study together, but he said he didn’t want to study with Imogen, I think he is a bit embarrassed doing things like that in front of her. He’s coming round on Thursday.

I’ve spent three hours with Jed studying. But it’s really difficult, I hadn’t realised how little he knew, and his writing is really terrible, he can’t spell and he only uses the simplest of words – good, bad, alright... I studied with Imogen last night and it went quite well, she wants to do well even though she sometimes pretends that she doesn’t and that it doesn’t matter. But with Jed it’s completely different, he really, really tries hard, but it’s as if he hasn’t had an education for the past five years. I find it really difficult because I don’t want to patronise him, but I keep coming unstuck when we’re going over something and it’s obvious he hasn’t got a clue what I’m talking about. He seems to be too ashamed to tell me that he’s having problems understanding, but I can now see it in his face. It seems that the thing to do with him is to make lists, if we make lists about things and he writes them down he can remember them. But how we can get past his small vocabulary and his spelling I don’t know.

Am going for an evening at the Swan tonight with Matt and Imogen. I’ll see if we can pick Jed up on the way, and I’ll ask him if he wants to study tomorrow. I’ve found a really good site on the Internet that talks about teaching slow learners – but I won’t tell him that.

The Swan was good last night, although, Matt seemed a bit distracted, I asked him if everything was OK and he said it was. Perhaps he was just tired. Had a really good session with Jed today, I had to fib to Imogen because she was trying to get me to go shopping, but I couldn’t because I was helping Jed. But not only does Jed not want to study with Imogen, he doesn’t want her to know that he is studying at all. He kind of sidled over and asked me not to mention it to anyone, which is difficult. I definitely wouldn’t say anything to anyone about how he was doing, but I can’t see why he’s worried that people know he’s studying. The thing is, if he and I keep it quiet and then people find out, it will seem odd, but if we just say we are doing some studying, nobody would think anything about it. Also, I don’t like keeping secrets from Imogen or Matt. I think that I will just mention it in passing and say that Jed is a bit private about it, so not to mention it. But then that makes me feel that I have lied to Jed – arrrgggg, I hate being in situations like that. Anyway, he seemed to pick up quite a lot of what we were doing today, his brain just works in a different way to mine, and that website was really helpful. The best thing about it was that he seemed proud of himself and it gave him confidence to ask questions when he wanted to go into something a bit deeper, it’s the first time that he’s done that.

This is madness – studying with Imogen before lunch and with Jed in the afternoon. Still, at least it means that I know stuff really well too. I managed to convince Jed how important it is to give yourself 10 to 15 minutes at the start of the exam to read the questions at least twice as it is easy to think that you have to answer all 10 questions when in fact you should only answer 2 out of 10. On top of that you need to make sure that you answer the question they are asking and not what you think they are asking. Next time we study we’ll do essay plans and making sure that you keep referring to the question that’s being asked. This is all really good for me, as these are the sort of mistakes that I make and it’ll make sure that I don’t cock up either. I mentioned to Imogen about Jed, but ended up getting myself into a nightmare situation as she got all excited and said that we should all study together and then I had to say that Jed didn’t want to as he was a bit embarrassed about studying at all. Then Imogen got narked that he would study with me and not with her, and said that she’d have a talk to him. I had to be really stern and tell her that that was not a good idea, and to make her see the point I had to tell her that Jed was a bit slow at some things. This satisfied Imogen, but made me feel like a right shit for betraying Jed and talking about him behind his back. Arrrrrggggg again.

Matt phoned, but I said that I was going to do some studying. I did essay plans with Jed which went well. Tomorrow I’m studying with Imogen.

Did some more studying with Imogen yesterday and am popping in to see Uncle Angus tonight, haven’t seen him in ages.

Uncle Angus couldn’t believe the cheek of Dad turning up like that – he was the only one who seemed to understand what I thought about it. It is now something that we don’t discuss in the house – I hate family stuff that becomes undiscussable. Uncle Angus was well and feisty, it was a great laugh. We even did some studying together and he told me some of my grammar was a disgrace!! He kept coming out with these great ways of looking at things. He told me not to be so forceful with my points as it made me seem ignorant of the fact that all arguments had lots of different sides to them and even something that sounded outrageous had it’s own sort of validity. He is obviously right and I think that it is a good way to look at an exam question, but it did make me laugh coming from Uncle Angus who could argue a nun out of a convent if he put his mind to it.

No pub for me tonight, Imogen is going with Matt, but I’m staying in with Jed, there is only another week before exams start – Christ on a bike.

I woke up this morning and was really annoyed with myself for not going to the pub last night, I seem to have got my head into a right state about these exams, but nobody else seems to be that worried. It was ok until about nine when I suddenly thought, “God, this is really boring” and I wished that I wasn’t sitting there in my bedroom like a right idiot and was at the pub with my mates and my boyfriend instead. I think I’ll try and get people out tonight.

Great night last night – not. Imogen couldn’t come out as she was doing something with her Dad – on a Saturday night?? She popped round to tell me all about the pub last night, she said she had a really good time – talk about rub salt into the wound. Then she said that she was bored and going shopping!! Even though I hadn’t been out I couldn’t face hours of traipsing round the shops. Then I phoned Matt to see what he was doing and he said sorry but he was having a jam with his mates, but that I could come to that if I fancied it – I didn’t. So there I was studying away again on a Saturday night, I must be the biggest sad act in the world because when I finally got over the grump about having to stay in I actually got into the work and the evening went by really fast.

We got a stern talking to at school today again about exams. Most people looked really bored – it was really boring, but it made me panic about whether I was doing enough – what an idiot. Still, it wasn’t only me. Imogen said that she’d study with me tonight and on Wednesday. Later, Jed sidled up and asked if we could study. We are doing Tuesday and Thursday – I will be swotted out before long.

It’s really weird, but it’s easier to study with Jed than Imogen, she starts off well, but then keeps interrupting to talk about something else. Jed listens and asks questions and that actually makes me think differently about stuff so it’s useful. He seems to go between having a bit of confidence and then having none at all. I keep telling him that if he takes his time and reads the question properly and then checks it again a few times during the exams that he’ll be ok. I’m not sure if he believes me though!!

Thank God for the pub, we are going tonight, I feel as if I haven’t been out in weeks and that I really need a break, I can’t believe that the exams start on Monday, what a nightmare.

Claire is bitching again because I haven’t done any chores, for once I can see her point as she worked all today and still had to do stuff. But I haven’t been out of my bedroom all day as have been working hard – I’m knackered, I feel like my brain is being fried. Imogen came round this morning “to study” but then spent ages wanting to discuss the pub last night (not that anything important happened), then said she was bored and was going home!! She bumped into Jed who told her he had come round to borrow a book!! If I hadn’t told her what was going on I don’t know what she’d have thought, borrowing a book? That was the least plausible excuse he could have come out with. Actually, I was just thinking, I haven’t seen Jed’s willy in weeks, he still fiddles about with it every now and then, when he’s uncomfortable or he’s thinking too hard!! But he hasn’t flopped it out.

More studying, today, I was grateful for the big Sunday roast, which meant that I could sit down and not think about stuff for an hour. But it did make me feel very sleepy afterwards and I had to force myself to get going again. It’s ten o’clock and I’m going to have an early night. Hope I can sleep.

I hate the way we are bossed around so much when it’s exam time. We have to lurk outside halls, we get inspected for what we are taking in with us. We get massive lectures about what time we’re starting, what time we’re finishing and not to talk, it goes on for ages. The teachers all get really pompous and act as if they’ve just annexed the school as some dictator’s state. But the exams went quite well, in fact, I think I’ve done really well. Imogen just said that it was ok, but didn’t seem that bothered. Jed looked like he’d just run a marathon and then realised that he was only supposed to be doing the 100 meters. He didn’t really want to talk about it, but said that he would come round tonight. I haven’t heard from Matt, or seen him, don’t know what he’s up to.

I feel really knackered; I’ve been working really hard. At least it seems to be paying off. Friday is the last day of school before study leave. At least that will mean that I don’t have to go to school except for the exams, not that we’re doing anything except revision classes at school anyway.

Saw Matt at school today, but he didn’t see me and walked off. I think he didn’t see me, he did look over at me, but he must have looked straight through me. I phoned him later, but he wasn’t in. Exams are going really well, Jed told me this evening that he had never felt as confident going in to exams as he never did well and although he won’t get A’s or B’s at least he hopes he won’t get F's and G's. Claire went out with Tash tonight, I bet they went to the pub even though Claire’s not supposed to. But it should be all right as long as Claire doesn’t get absolutely wrecked.

Last day of school today, which is really weird, if I don’t go to the sixth form college here it could be the last do I did proper lessons. I had been thinking of going out tonight to celebrate, but think that I will wait until tomorrow night. Imogen’s going to have a little party at her house tomorrow night, so it will be really good. She says that she may go to the Swan tonight, she says she’s not sure yet. I bet if she does she’ll be on the phone to me, wanting me to come.

Taking the day off today to get Imogen’s house ready for the party, we need to get some drinks and hide all the breakable stuff (and also all the stealable stuff which is really crap, but sadly necessary – there always seems to be “someone’s mate” who lifts things. I haven’t managed to get hold of Matt, so don’t know what he’s doing. I phoned Imogen who said that she didn’t go to the Swan last night, so is not sure if he was there or not.

It’s 3 in the morning and I haven’t slept a wink, my heart is thumping and my stomach is churning. Jed turned up at 9 this evening. I couldn’t understand it when I saw him standing on the doorstep. But he asked me to go for a walk with him. I thought he must have a bad problem. What a completely stupid idiot I am, it wasn’t him who had a problem. He said that he had something to say and he didn’t know how to say it, but he thought he should say it. All the while my head was saying “what the hell is he talking about” but my stomach was starting to turn, because I could see from his face it was bad news and he didn’t know how to tell me. Then he finally said it. He said he thought that Matt was seeing Jade. I couldn’t believe it at first, and I’m not sure that I do yet. Jade? I can’t believe Matt would be interested in her, it’s ridiculous. But Jed seemed really sure, and I don’t think he’d have said anything unless he was sure. He said that he’d seen them walking down the road together and he’d followed them and they went to Matt’s and didn’t come out for three hours, that was on Wednesday, and then he said he saw them again on Friday. Same thing, going to Matt’s house. The only thing that I am proud of is that I managed to keep it all together and just say thanks to Jed for telling me and then go home. When I was up in my bedroom, I couldn’t help crying and crying, the thing is, no matter how unbelievable it is, I know that it’s true, I can just feel it. I don’t know what to do about it, so I haven’t done anything yet. I want to sleep on it – that’s a laugh. I hate him, what a bastard, what a complete and total scumbag bastard. I’m so ashamed.

I completely cocked up my maths GCSE this morning and it’s all Matt and Jade’s fault. That cow walked up to me, pulled down her collar to show a filthy love bite and said: “think you know everything, don’t you, well you don’t”. I still don’t know how I did it, but I managed to shout, “enjoy your second-hand goods” at her, it wasn’t the best line, but not bad under the circumstances. But the effort and shock cost me and I had to leg it to the loos as I was shaking and much as I tried to fight off the tears they just came. I thought I’d managed to cry all my tears yesterday, but I hadn’t. I can’t believe I’m wasting so much emotion on such a pair of scums. I now know it’s completely true, I knew anyway. Then, as I was still making strangled crying sound in a cubicle in walked Rebecca chatting away with ??????, they had heard the noise and Rebecca said “someone’s crying in there.” And then they just stood outside the cubicles and I had to hide in there for ages, too ashamed to come out. When they had finally gone I waited ages more but they’d staked out the door outside and when they saw it was me they started smirking. I couldn’t concentrate on my maths exam, especially since I saw Jade taking the piss out of me by pretending to cry and rubbing her eyes. At least it looks as if she didn’t do much either – not that she could have passed it in a million years. Thick cow. Imogen couldn’t believe it this morning, but she believes it now, she says that I should go round and sort Matt out. I told her I didn’t want to see him. She said that I should have a really big go at him and that he deserved it. I kind of know what she means, but I just can’t, I can’t look at him at the moment. I’m so pathetic.

I can’t believe the cheek of Matt, he turned up at my door and said, “I need to talk to you.” What a total bastard. I told him I’d heard all I was interested to hear from him and slammed the door in his face. I hate him, I hate that pathetic prat who can only think with his dick. I can’t believe I was such an idiot, falling for all his crap and even sleeping with him, God, I could kick myself. He made me so angry, I decided that I wasn’t going to let him or that cow make me cock up my exams. But every now and then the good times I had with him come flooding into my head and I miss him so much it actually hurts. I feel like my stomach is one hollow hole and that my heart is physically aching. I hate them both; I really, really hate them both. It’s really hard because I know he is totally to blame, and then I think things like – well maybe he got a bit bored because I spent so long studying and couldn’t see him and wasn’t all that keen on sex. Then I think – so what, he shouldn’t get annoyed about that sort of thing, he should understand it and if he didn’t understand it, he should have said something.

I’m trying really hard to concentrate on my exams, but it’s not easy, in some ways, at least I have something to take my mind off the situation, but in other ways I find it difficult dealing with the pressure. On top of that, Matt keeps texting me and telling me he’s sorry and asking me if we can talk. I just keep ignoring him – prat.

I got a letter from Matt today, at first I refused to read it and threw it in the bin in my bedroom, but then I couldn’t stand not knowing what he had to say. I have to hand it to him, it was a good letter and if it had been anything else that he had done, I may have started to forgive him. He said that he really loved me and couldn’t understand why he’d thrown it all away. He said that Jade had been flirting with him for ages and in the end he had a mental block and just went for it. He begged me not to think that it was anything to do with me and that he hated himself for it and desperately wanted to see me and try and explain himself. Even though he knew there was no explanation that would make the situation any better.