alternative freak

I’ve been thinking about the letter, and could kick myself. At first, I was feeling a bit sorry for him, what kind of an idiot am I? Then I realised that he couldn’t have just gone for it in a fit of mental blockage like he said, because as far as I know he did it twice, so it wasn’t as if it was that much of a mistake. I am never going to talk to him again. And I think I did really well in my exams today because there was no way that I was going to let them ruin any more of my life. Imogen, Jed and I are going to the Swan tonight. They were a bit shocked when I suggested it, but I need to hold my head high and not hide away from this. If Matt and Jade are there, well good luck to them, they deserve each other. Imogen laughed when I said that and said “go for it”!! But then she said I should be “careful not to cut my nose off to spite my face”!! Imogen’s turning into a “wise woman” in the face of tragedy!! Jed offered to “smack him one” (Matt), but looked relieved when I said “no thanks” and said that we should just act as normally as we could and rise above the whole dirty lot of it. It’s good of Jed to offer, but he and Matt used to be friends, I think he was just trying to show me his loyalty, but it bothers me that that’s what his father had taught him – if in doubt, clout.

I felt terrible when I woke up this morning. I drank too much and too quickly last night because I was so nervous, I hate myself, why be nervous? I’ve done nothing to be ashamed of, but I’m ashamed of being a victim, ashamed that people will feel sorry for me or get some sort of pleasure out of the way that I’ve been treated. It makes me stand out and I hate the attention. Drinking too much is not a good idea because I do feel really depressed this morning, I woke up with that hollow feeling which tells you that something is not right, it took me a few minutes to remember what that was – Matt the Bastard.
After all that big talk yesterday I was absolutely bricking it when we were approaching the Swan. I was flanked either side by Imogen and Jed, Jed was asking what we wanted to drink so that we could go and sit down while he got the drinks. When we got there there was no sign of either Matt or Jade and the best thing was, nobody seemed to know, or maybe care about any of it. It was just like normal, there wasn’t any whispering or pointing, which was one of the reasons that I wanted to go, if people were going to be like that I’d rather face it and get it over with, and show them that I didn’t give a shit. What a load of arse, six months ago, I wouldn’t have cared what anyone thought. It was quite a good evening under the circumstances; I stayed nervous all night and couldn’t help watching the door. Imogen and Jed were like guard dogs, making sure that I was OK and chatting and laughing all night. I felt really honoured to have such good and loyal friends. At about ten, Chris came in who is one of Matt’s friends, he came over and asked if we wanted a drink, Jed and Imogen were set to growl him away, but I said that I’d have a drink, he came and sat with us and said he was sorry to hear about me and Matt, as if it was a two way decision and not Matt behaving like a total wanker. Chris told me that Matt was really sorry and couldn’t believe what he’d done and that he’d do anything to get back with me. I ignored this and asked him where Matt was tonight and Chris said that he had stayed at home as he didn’t want to upset me if I decided to come out. Which is very thoughtful of him and made me sad as it reminded me of why I liked Matt so much in the first place, but what I can’t understand is how he can be so considerate on this level and yet sink to the depths that he has. My Nan would have bellowed, “actions speak louder than words” at that dilemma. As I was trying to recover from my hangover this morning, things that I said and felt last night came flooding back, I started to feel sorry for Matt – am I mad. Chris was doing a good job of telling me how much he regretted it and missed me. I’m so confused, he doesn’t deserve it if I even spare him a thought, but I miss him, there’s an ache, a big ache.

I almost crossed out all that crap I wrote yesterday – what an idiot I am, it’s embarrassing, of course I’m going to miss him, he was special to me for a while, but obviously I was mistaken, he didn’t deserve to be special, I miscalculated and now it’s over and that is that. When I went to cross out yesterday’s rantings, I thought, no, let it stay there and remind me never to be such an arse again. People like that just aren’t worth it. I was going to go out last night, but had such a hangover that I stayed home and had an early night. Claire was going out and spent ages doing herself up, she was in her element – the only one in the house going out on a Saturday night. Yahoo for her, I was so impressed. Andrew asked me if I wanted to play a computer game with him, which was a bit weird as I never play computer games with him. I was going to say no, but then thought, yeah, why not. He said I was crap when we first started playing, but he knows the game inside out and does all this fancy stuff with his hands, but once I got the hang of it, I wasn’t too bad, he beat the crap out of me, but at least I wasn’t the biggest wuss in the land. Mum asked me how Matt was today, I didn’t think she knew anything about it, I could have told her what had happened, but I knew she’d try and cuddle me and make it all right and I couldn’t face that, so I told her that I hadn’t seen him for a while and walked away before she could ask anything else. Steve treats me as if I’m his best buddy these days; he thinks I ran the gauntlet for him with Dad. But it’s still a bit difficult with Steve, because he has no idea how much of an arse he is and when he tries to talk to me, he realises that he has nothing to say – we have nothing in common, so he talks about what we’re going to have for dinner or something like that – riveting.

More exams today, they seem to be one after the other. I was going to go and see Uncle Angus tonight, but Jed asked if he could come and do some studying. It was a bit of a shame as there was an uncomfortable thing between us, which seemed to destroy the way that we had managed to study together. At one point he tried to apologise for telling me about Matt and Jade, but I told him that that’s what real friends did, told you the truth and didn’t lie about stuff.

When we were doing our exam today Janice was trying to cut herself – I glanced over and there she was scoring at her arm with an earring??? I think it was the only sharp thing she had, she was really concentrating on it, her mouth was all tight and her eyes were just staring at her wrist (it was the top of her wrist and not the bottom). I saw her as she was coming out of the room and she had drops of blood on her sleeve, I think she had been picking at some of the cuts that she’s already got. Jed came round again tonight, he said that he thought that he’d messed up today and wanted to go over exam techniques etc!! Exam techniques, he sounds like a proper student now. I’m glad he came though, because it was easier, and we seemed to be able to slip back into how we were before. I caught him looking at me strangely a couple of times. I hope he isn’t reading anything into this, I have had enough of boyfriends for now, that’s for sure. I told him about Janice, but he didn’t look surprised at all, he tried not to make a comment about it. I asked him if he thought that she was OK or whether we should do anything. He was really odd – well, I suppose he was just being Jed really. He said that we should leave her alone because that’s what she wanted.

I couldn’t sleep last night; my mind kept going over and over Matt. Then I was really tired today, at least there was only one exam, but even so, I found it difficult to concentrate and bet I didn’t do as well as I could have done. Mum came right out and asked me if I was still “seeing” Matt. Seeing? Still at least she didn’t say, “Is he still your boyfriend”. I told her that I wasn’t still “seeing him” and seeing that she was just about to launch into a big discussion on it, I said, “it’s no problem, it just didn’t work out,” and legged it away as fast as I could. I bet she’ll try and collar me again to “get to the bottom of it”; I’ll have to avoid her. Of course, if she’s really mad she could try and ask Andrew or Claire – they’d know all about it!

I was thinking about how ironic life is and how quickly it changes. One minute I’ve got all these people poking their noses in and it is very annoying since I am perfectly OK. Then I decide that it might be worth having friends and a boyfriend and suddenly everyone thinks that that’s OK and I don’t need any help or “counselling” and then the friends come with baggage that I can’t deal with or they turn round and treat you as if you were a piece of crap on their shoe and that’s fine – that’s supposed to be no problem at all, no problem to deal with – what in holy hell makes any sense in that lot?

Last night was a really great night. Jed, Imogen and I all went to the Swan, feeling like we deserved a really great night because we were all fed up with exams and had worked really hard – at least, Jed and I had, I don’t think Imogen really understands what kind of studying she should be doing and is then surprised that she can’t reel off answers in the exam hall. We picked Jed up on the way; he was waiting outside his house, so I reckon that his Dad was in and being a pain. But he was in a good mood and we almost skipped down to the pub. There was something about us all going together, walking down the road in a line – like when there’s a film clip in slow motion because people are approaching something they mean business with. I suddenly realised that I felt happy and safe and relieved. When we got to the pub it was buzzing, there just seemed to be a generally happy mood. Although I did have quite a lot to drink, it didn’t make me feel drunk, it just made me feel happier and more relaxed. After we’d been there about an hour, Jade walked through the door, I was looking straight at her, I could feel Jed and Imogen sort of flinch and tense up, but it was really hilarious. Jade stopped and went completely still and then she just walked right out of the pub. Imogen laughed a great big belly laugh and said that obviously Jade was terrified of me. I don’t know if she was – I think she may have been on her own and she is always a coward when she’s on her own. But she needn’t have bothered about me, it’s not as if I was going to stand up and fight her, those two deserve each other. It was nice the way that Jed and Imogen were looking out for me and how they immediately tried to jolly me along as soon as she’s gone, but I told them not to worry and it didn’t bother me and the funny thing is that it was the truth. It didn’t bother me.

Claire nearly fainted today when I said that I’d do the washing up for her. The thing is, I haven’t been doing much stuff around the house lately and she has, even though she bitches like mad about it. I said that she should go and watch some telly or do some stuff while I did it. I actually didn’t mind, I’d been doing some studying and then we had our compulsory Sunday Roast, but then I fancied a break and I didn’t want to sit and watch something on the TV or anything because then it’s difficult to get back up and you realise that you sat down to watch a half hour programme and then you end up sitting down for an hour. I do hate washing up though, especially after a roast – it’s ok if stuff is rinsed, but if it’s been left then all sorts of disgusting stuff floats around the water. Am going to get some more studying done this evening and then have an early night before another week of exams.

Janice was behaving like a lunatic today; she was picking at her cuts and muttering to herself. It was really weird, we’re not allowed to make any noise in the exam halls at all and the teachers always march about, checking that we’re not cheating and stuff. We had a science teacher, Mr Cowan as our invigilator today – I don’t know him because I’ve never been in one of his classes, but I could tell that he’d noticed Janice, but he just ignored it for ages. Then he went over and whispered something to her, but I think he just asked if she was OK, then he walked away and kept ignoring her. I don’t know if she did any of the exam at all. I think she’s having a really hard time with the stress.

At last – Jed and Imogen have stopped dancing around each other over the studying and are studying together. Jed was round at mine doing some revising, we were upstairs and didn’t hear the door go. Andrew told Imogen we were upstairs and she just came in and said. “Oh, are you revising, good, I’ll do some with you.” Jed started to get nervous and jumpy, but Imogen ignored it and acted as if it was the most normal thing in the world that we all sat and revised together. She was really good and put Jed at ease. I was a bit annoyed with her at first, because I had explained about the Jed situation, but she said later that it was ridiculous, her and Jed avoiding each other over revising so she thought that she’d try and sort it out. She managed to do it really well and Jed didn’t have a clue that she was there other than by accident, she also said that we should do it again tomorrow and we should go to her house, which Jed agreed to. We had a break for twenty minutes to have a drink and I asked them what they thought about Janice. Imogen had been in the exam hall, but Jed hadn’t, I’d tried to talk to Imogen about it on the way home, but she kept avoiding the issue. She said that it wasn’t any of our business and that if Mr Cowan had noticed it then he’d do something about it. I find this a very difficult thing to deal with, on the one hand, I don’t think people should poke their noses into other people’s business and I don’t think there is much we could do – talk to a teacher or her, which wouldn’t be a good idea. But on the other hand, if she’s really having a hard time, or she’s ill then something should be done about it. What worries me is that I think she does need some help but that she’s being ignored because her parents aren’t up to much and she hasn’t got any friends at school. Imogen and Jed seem to want to just ignore it, they get edgy if I bring it up. Then I feel as if I’m being a drama queen, but then I think, but what if it’s really serious and she can’t cope and she kills herself – then I realise that I am a massive drama queen.

Life is like a bloody treadmill at the moment – exams, revision, exams, revision. I am getting so pissed off.

Jed’s last exam is on the 21st of June and mine and Imogen’s is on the 23rd, we are going to have one massive party for days on end. It’s the only thing that’s keeping us sane at the moment – counting the days until it’s over and thinking about what we can do in the long summer break. My Nan always said, “don’t wish your life away,” but that is an old persons cliché and I’m wishing away at the moment.

I forgot to lock the bathroom this morning and Steve barged straight in, it was really embarrassing, luckily I had a towel round me, but Steve was just fiddling in his pyjama fly as he was going to the toilet. He stood stock still in shock and went really red. Then he managed to say sorry and I said it was OK. Then he went out and I locked the door. When I went down to the kitchen he and Mum were talking in low voices and looked startled when I came in so I knew they must have been discussing me. I said, “Steve, if you’re worried about walking in then don’t, it was my fault, I should have locked the door.” He looked really relieved and so did Mum, I went away before I could get drawn into a conversation, but it has been bothering me. It must be difficult for Steve, we aren’t his children and since according to the news there’s a perve round every corner he has to be really careful. But it’s a shame because it puts a big distance between us. Not that I want to hug him or anything like that, but it makes him wary of doing anything that could be misinterpreted. When I told Imogen and she said “Are you sure he did it by accident?” I couldn’t believe it; even she has a jaded mind.

Another week of exams over and only two more to go. I’m beginning to feel quite confident about the exams, on the whole they seem to have been going quite well. Jed also seems to feel better about how he’s doing and he’s still working hard at revising. He seems to be less eager to ask a question when Imogen is studying with us, but sometimes I think that’s a good thing, because it makes him work it out for himself rather than ask. Imogen is a real enigma though, sometimes she seems quite bright and to know what she’s talking about, but other times you’d think that she hasn’t been taught the subject at all. When I ask her an exam has gone, she says something like “Oh, Ok,” or “Not too bad,” or “don’t know really”. We’re taking the day off studying today to go and sit in the park; it’s hot and sunny today, which is a bit mad. Then we’re going to the pub tonight.

Had a really good day yesterday, we sat in the park and had a kind of picnic, enjoying the sun. It was funny watching groups of lads playing football and various old codgers walking dogs and stopping to talk to each other. There were a couple of tramps who were sitting talking madness to each other and drinking cans of strong larger, they didn’t really talk to each other, they talked at each other, loudly and excitedly, but it wasn’t clear to anyone, maybe not even themselves what they were saying, it was more like growling. Imogen thought they were a bit scary, but they didn’t take any notice of anyone unless they got too close, then they would shout something, which sounded like “sourpuss”. . . In the evening we went to the pub, after you’ve been in the sun you kind of get a feeling on your skin, not sunburn, but as if you’ve been warmed to the bone. It made me feel happy and kind of carefree, the pub was busy and we sat outside for the first time, there was a good atmosphere like a holiday or something. After we’d been there about an hour or so Matt turned up with Chris, my heart did a massive lurch. I have deliberately tried to stop thinking about Matt and not writing about him in my diary as I want to move on from all that stuff, but it doesn’t really work that well, he still haunts my me, I get images of him in my head and hear things that he said as well. I keep trying to move on, but I still wake up with an empty stomach and it’s really, really hard. He and Chris came straight over and said “Hi”, Imogen and Jed were all for ignoring them, but I said, “Hi, how’s it going?” They stopped and made a couple of answers, but then when there was a big silence they wandered off and got a table. Imogen said she didn’t know why I bothered giving the time of day after they way he had acted. I said that I thought it would give him more power over me if he could see how much he hurt me and that “indifference was the blah lah.” Jed must have thought that we were going to have a bit of an argument because he stepped in with a big change of subject. About twenty minutes later Matt came back and said, “Look I really need to talk to you, please will can we meet?” He must have caught me off guard because I said that I’d meet him for a coffee on Wednesday. I don’t know what got in to me, well I kind of do, I know that I need to move on from this and I can’t seem to as it stands at the moment, I feel as if there’s unfinished business, loose ends that are not tied, so instinctively I agreed to see him. Well, maybe it’s that, or maybe I’m a massive sap and I really want to spend some time with him because I miss him so much. Whatever the reasons, Jed and Imogen couldn’t understand them and looked at me as if I had gone totally bonkers. Imogen wanted to know why I was wasting my time on such a tosser – I couldn’t really answer that.

I thought that agreeing to see Matt for coffee would ease my mind, but it hasn’t, it’s ratcheted it up by a few gears and now I feel nervous all the time and as if I’m waiting for something to happen which in fact I am. But I did make sure that I concentrated on my exams.

My brain feels like it is going to explode with these exams. Imogen and Jed are coming over to study, hopefully we’ll get a lot done, if Imogen doesn’t decide that she’s bored and want us to talk instead. She and Jed both think I’m an idiot to have said I’d meet Matt, I tried to explain that I needed to make it over in my own head but they just think I’m a sap.

I’m really nervous about meeting Matt for coffee, we’re meeting at 7 in this café place in town. They try to pretend in there that they don’t mind if you just come in for coffee but they keep coming over and asking if you want to eat. It’s not the best place to meet, but it was the only thing that sprang to my mind at the time. I keep thinking about what I’m going to wear and all that sort of crap, at the same time I don’t want to buy into all that and I don’t see why I should make an effort, it’s not as if he’s worth it, but on another level I want to let him know what he’s missing, how pathetic is that? I keep wondering why I want to see him, why I agreed, but I think the main thing is that I just don’t feel it’s finished. I suppose that’s mainly because although I finished it as such, he made me do it, or really, he did it. He decided it wasn’t worth turning down a dirty grope with Janice. So I didn’t have the power, I just had to react to the situation and because it was unexpected, I wasn’t ready for it, so in my mind it wasn’t finished the way that you normally finish things. Arrrrrrrrrggggg, how can I waste so much time going over and over it?

I tried to be late going to meet Matt for coffee, I really didn’t want to get there before him and look as if I was waiting – that I was keen. But, I hate being late and even if I try to do it I end up being on time. When I got there though, he was there already, at least that was something. He’d already got me a coffee, which in some ways was good because we didn’t have to sit there sorting it out with the waitress, but in other ways it was a bloody cheek, he assumed that he knew what I’d have. Although I had spent all day having Matt thoughts sliding around my brain, I suddenly had a moment of panic because I realised that I hadn’t thought at all about what I wanted to say to him, I hadn’t rehearsed anything, but more worrying, I didn’t know what I wanted from the meeting. Whether I wanted to hear what he had to say and then say “well thanks and see ya”, or whether I wanted to say: “not good enough you idiot”, or whether I wanted to say “OK well we can be friends”. I must have had a look of huge panic on my face because he asked me if I was OK, I managed to mumble a “yes” but that was all. Then he started on with a speech that he’d clearly rehearsed. Saying that he was sorry and he couldn’t believe that he’d been such an idiot and that he missed me, really, really missed me. He was going on about missing the chats that we had and the laughs and that he felt really lonely without me, all that type of stuff. The thing was that I knew he was being sincere, I knew that it wasn’t a load of lies, it made me acknowledge how much I missed him and how lonely I felt without having him there. But even though I could acknowledge all this and it seemed sad I still couldn’t get past what he’d done. I asked him why he had done that with Janice of all people and he said the same sort of thing that he’d said in the letter, that she’d been flirting with him and he’d had a mental block. I told him I thought that she was flirting with him to get at me, and he’d just done exactly what she wanted. Then he said that I should realise that “the world doesn’t always revolve around me” and that “I thought too deeply sometimes about why people did and said things”. I couldn’t believe the cheek of him and told him I couldn’t understand how we were talking about what he’d done and he was then having a dig at me. I was furious, I think he realised that he’d made a big cock up because he started saying that he didn’t mean it that way etc. Eventually I told him that it wasn’t really worth going over any of this because I couldn’t move past it, I couldn’t forgive him for what he’d done. He said that he didn’t expect me to forgive him but was hoping that we could be friends. I was desperate to go home and think about it but he insisted on walking me home. When we got there he tried to give me a big hug and said that he hoped that we’d speak in a few days. The thing was that the hug was really nice, I hadn’t realised how much I missed his hugs. I don’t hug my Mum, you stop doing that when you’re about eleven, I don’t hug anyone else in my family, in fact I very rarely touch other people. I really needed that hug from Matt, it made me feel sad that it was all over, but really angry with him for having wrecked it. And now, even though I keep going over and over the conversations we had, I still can’t get any closer to make any sense of it and I don’t know what I want to do. Even being friends with him seems like a bit of a sell out, an indication to him that it’s OK to wreck things, to do what he wants regardless of anyone else.

Uncle Angus and I went out for a curry tonight; at first he was a bit cool towards me because I haven’t been seeing much of him lately. He never used to be like that, but since he had his fall he’s changed a bit, he seems more childlike, kind of spoilt at times. But after a bit he was more like his old self and was very chatty and funny. He was very pleased that I’d been working really hard on my exams and said that I must make sure to go to a good university away from home where I’d have lots of fun and that I must take advantage of everything while I’m there because it was often the best years of your life!! Great – spend the rest of your life looking back at three years and wishing you were still there. But I know what he meant, and he’s right, it’ll be really good to live away from home, take charge of my life and get away from the pond life that is Jade. I asked Uncle Angus what he’d do if someone did something unforgivable but he still missed them. He looked a bit taken aback, but he said that sometimes things that seemed unforgivable actually weren’t and that if you still missed a person because you had stopped seeing them over something then maybe it wasn’t an unforgivable thing that they did. He said that as he got older, things that had seemed really bad when he was younger didn’t seem half as bad anymore and that part of that was realising that we’re all human. That we often set too much store by our own humanity, that we had expectations that couldn’t be lived up to and that we weren’t that different to animals, we still had base instincts about things. He also said that people did things at different times for different reasons, and it was only afterwards that they realised how much of a mistake they had made. I wondered what sort of mistakes Uncle Angus had made, but I didn’t ask because there was a big fuss when some drunk blokes came in and started shouting “Oi Patel give us a popadom” at the waiters. Uncle Angus was furious and got up to say something to them, but the manager came over and thanked him but asked him to sit down so that they could sort it out themselves. Uncle Angus thought that they meant that they would chuck the blokes out, but they didn’t they just served them as if they weren’t being obnoxious racists. We left.

One more week of exams – thank God. It makes me feel a bit free.

We went to see a film last night instead of going to the pub, but it was a total nightmare, the cinema was full and everyone just talked all the way through the film. I couldn’t concentrate on it at all, Imogen liked the film, but Jed slept through it!!

I saw Jed as he was coming out of the exam and he gave me a big hug. He was really pleased that it was all over and he thought that he’d done OK. Then he came round to mine tonight and gave me a box of chocolates as a present for helping him with his work. I was really touched but a bit embarrassed too, he sat and chatted for a bit and then said that he had to go. As he was putting on his jacket I saw that he had a big bruise on his back, I hope his dad’s not hitting him again.

Just one more day to go.

I can’t believe it; I’ve finished my exams, no more studying, no more watching that I don’t waste my time. No more only reading books to do with exams. I feel brilliant, incredibly free and just so relieved. Tonight we’re going to the pub for a massive celebration and I think it’ll go on for days and days.

Was late getting to the pub yesterday, Mum had made a special meal just for me as a surprise. I felt really bad when I realised, but she hadn’t said anything about it and she must have thought that I would go out with my mates. She pretended not to be too disappointed, but I knew she was really. We ended up having a rushed dinner. . . The pub was fantastic though; it was as if it was everyone’s birthday at once. Today we’re slobbing out at Imogen’s watching DVD’s and then going to the pub again. I’m going to stay over at hers – just because I can. I don’t have to be at home revising.

I’ve had such a great couple of days, we’ve got the whole of July and August spread out for a long and hopefully hot summer holiday. Everything seems really good at the moment, even though there is still a Matt problem stuck in the back of my mind. Mum said that he’s phoned a couple of times, but I don’t know what to do about it, whether to be friends with him or not, so I’m doing my usual, which is to ignore it completely.

It’s funny, but it doesn’t seem like a weekend, only because the last few days have all seemed like weekend days. Am actually a bit knackered, I feel as if I need a soak in the bath and a good nights sleep – I am turning into my mother too soon. . . I think that I will take Sunday as a day of rest – original idea, I know.