I felt terrible when I woke up this morning. I drank too much and too quickly last night because I was so nervous, I hate myself, why be nervous? I’ve done nothing to be ashamed of, but I’m ashamed of being a victim, ashamed that people will feel sorry for me or get some sort of pleasure out of the way that I’ve been treated. It makes me stand out and I hate the attention. Drinking too much is not a good idea because I do feel really depressed this morning, I woke up with that hollow feeling which tells you that something is not right, it took me a few minutes to remember what that was – Matt the Bastard.
After all that big talk yesterday I was absolutely bricking it when we were approaching the Swan. I was flanked either side by Imogen and Jed, Jed was asking what we wanted to drink so that we could go and sit down while he got the drinks. When we got there there was no sign of either Matt or Jade and the best thing was, nobody seemed to know, or maybe care about any of it. It was just like normal, there wasn’t any whispering or pointing, which was one of the reasons that I wanted to go, if people were going to be like that I’d rather face it and get it over with, and show them that I didn’t give a shit. What a load of arse, six months ago, I wouldn’t have cared what anyone thought. It was quite a good evening under the circumstances; I stayed nervous all night and couldn’t help watching the door. Imogen and Jed were like guard dogs, making sure that I was OK and chatting and laughing all night. I felt really honoured to have such good and loyal friends. At about ten, Chris came in who is one of Matt’s friends, he came over and asked if we wanted a drink, Jed and Imogen were set to growl him away, but I said that I’d have a drink, he came and sat with us and said he was sorry to hear about me and Matt, as if it was a two way decision and not Matt behaving like a total wanker. Chris told me that Matt was really sorry and couldn’t believe what he’d done and that he’d do anything to get back with me. I ignored this and asked him where Matt was tonight and Chris said that he had stayed at home as he didn’t want to upset me if I decided to come out. Which is very thoughtful of him and made me sad as it reminded me of why I liked Matt so much in the first place, but what I can’t understand is how he can be so considerate on this level and yet sink to the depths that he has. My Nan would have bellowed, “actions speak louder than words†at that dilemma. As I was trying to recover from my hangover this morning, things that I said and felt last night came flooding back, I started to feel sorry for Matt – am I mad. Chris was doing a good job of telling me how much he regretted it and missed me. I’m so confused, he doesn’t deserve it if I even spare him a thought, but I miss him, there’s an ache, a big ache.