alternative freak

I tried to be late going to meet Matt for coffee, I really didn’t want to get there before him and look as if I was waiting – that I was keen. But, I hate being late and even if I try to do it I end up being on time. When I got there though, he was there already, at least that was something. He’d already got me a coffee, which in some ways was good because we didn’t have to sit there sorting it out with the waitress, but in other ways it was a bloody cheek, he assumed that he knew what I’d have. Although I had spent all day having Matt thoughts sliding around my brain, I suddenly had a moment of panic because I realised that I hadn’t thought at all about what I wanted to say to him, I hadn’t rehearsed anything, but more worrying, I didn’t know what I wanted from the meeting. Whether I wanted to hear what he had to say and then say “well thanks and see ya”, or whether I wanted to say: “not good enough you idiot”, or whether I wanted to say “OK well we can be friends”. I must have had a look of huge panic on my face because he asked me if I was OK, I managed to mumble a “yes” but that was all. Then he started on with a speech that he’d clearly rehearsed. Saying that he was sorry and he couldn’t believe that he’d been such an idiot and that he missed me, really, really missed me. He was going on about missing the chats that we had and the laughs and that he felt really lonely without me, all that type of stuff. The thing was that I knew he was being sincere, I knew that it wasn’t a load of lies, it made me acknowledge how much I missed him and how lonely I felt without having him there. But even though I could acknowledge all this and it seemed sad I still couldn’t get past what he’d done. I asked him why he had done that with Janice of all people and he said the same sort of thing that he’d said in the letter, that she’d been flirting with him and he’d had a mental block. I told him I thought that she was flirting with him to get at me, and he’d just done exactly what she wanted. Then he said that I should realise that “the world doesn’t always revolve around me” and that “I thought too deeply sometimes about why people did and said things”. I couldn’t believe the cheek of him and told him I couldn’t understand how we were talking about what he’d done and he was then having a dig at me. I was furious, I think he realised that he’d made a big cock up because he started saying that he didn’t mean it that way etc. Eventually I told him that it wasn’t really worth going over any of this because I couldn’t move past it, I couldn’t forgive him for what he’d done. He said that he didn’t expect me to forgive him but was hoping that we could be friends. I was desperate to go home and think about it but he insisted on walking me home. When we got there he tried to give me a big hug and said that he hoped that we’d speak in a few days. The thing was that the hug was really nice, I hadn’t realised how much I missed his hugs. I don’t hug my Mum, you stop doing that when you’re about eleven, I don’t hug anyone else in my family, in fact I very rarely touch other people. I really needed that hug from Matt, it made me feel sad that it was all over, but really angry with him for having wrecked it. And now, even though I keep going over and over the conversations we had, I still can’t get any closer to make any sense of it and I don’t know what I want to do. Even being friends with him seems like a bit of a sell out, an indication to him that it’s OK to wreck things, to do what he wants regardless of anyone else.