I think I must be the maddest person in the world, I had been bothered that no matter how much I tried I couldn’t get back to the way I felt with Matt before he did the dirty with Jade. I thought that sex was one thing that remained a constant problem, I didn’t really want to have sex with him knowing that he’d had sex with her, but I also knew that the longer it went on without sex the more of an issue it would be, so last night I thought, right I’ll just get on with it and get it over and done with – a great attitude to sharing my body with someone else. Anyway, it was a total nightmare from start to finish; it was so much of a nightmare I realised that I’d have to make a list:
- I realised just as we were getting started that I really didn’t want to do it, but thought that it was ridiculously late to stop it.
- Matt was nervous and a bit shambolic.
- I realised that I didn’t find him attractive anymore.
- I realised that I was degrading myself.
- Images of Jade kept going through my head.
- Matt started making noises like an animal – did he always do that?
- I couldn’t work out who I hated more, me or him.
- As soon as it was finished I was so disgusted that I had to leave immediately and left him bewildered.
- And then, and then of course felt guilty about everything including leaving him bewildered.