Archive for October 4th, 2012

Thursday, 4th October, 2012

Samuel was on top form this afternoon, I normally see him on a Monday, but he had to change it to today. No explanation of course. I think that he’s been reading up on the notes he made while I was away because he decided to try a completely different tack. The old, let’s get aggressive and see what happens routine.

Dull, dull, dull, Samuel.

A quick list of what Samuel does to piss me off before

I go on; actually, it’s a list of what Samuel’s beard does to piss me off.

Samuels beard:

Often has bits in it, not necessarily food, sometimes it’s just flakes of skin or tobacco.
It furs out at his neck, goes all soft instead of wiry.
It has some ginger hairs in it – no ging on his head, but a few sprouts in the beard.
It seems in continual need of rubbing; Samuel can’t keep his hands off it.
It is a disguise for the fact he has no chin.
Samuel is not in ZZ Top, he is not Santa Claus, but I suppose he would not be the persona he is without his chin rug.
I am focusing on the beard because when Samuel decided to adopt aggressive tactics he loomed at me. Looming with beard is not a good thing; it gives you too much information about the state of the beard.

Samuel wanted to know why I craved so much attention (good old simpering Sally tried that one).

“Samuel,” I said tiredly, “I don’t want attention, I don’t want yours I don’t want mums, I just want to be left alone.”

“Left alone for what?” He asked, and again he seemed to be overly eager, as if he’d stumbled on to something.

“Just left alone,” I said. “I don’t want to be part of what’s going on, all the crap.” (I don’t know why I suddenly lose the ability to express myself when it’s important.)

“What don’t you like?” He asked.

Now that’s a good question, easier to answer what I do like though, I think.

“People expect you to be the same as everyone else.” I said,

“I don’t want to be a big sap interested in clothes and make up. I don’t want to watch telly and believe the people on it are real. I don’t want to have boring conversations about nothing just to make people feel better. I don’t want to be part of a group of people who all behave exactly the same way and think you’re a nutter if you don’t. I want to just be the way I want to be and for people to leave me to it. I am not mad or disturbed, I just want to make my own choices.”

(It was embarrassing, suddenly all these words were falling out of my mouth, I’d gone a bit red in the face and even started to lose my breath, I don’t know why, I’d had this conversation a thousand times in my head, perhaps Samuel was right, perhaps I wanted the attention of having him listen to me. The trouble is, I was living my life the way I wanted to, that made it important, I found myself wanted him to know why it was important, I even managed to ignore the beard for a few minutes).

He had stopped being aggressive, and moved back a little – he de-loomed.

Then he said. “I understand what you’re saying, but it doesn’t seem to make you very happy.”

“You’ve missed the point,” I said. “It does make me happy, the problem is that it doesn’t make other people happy, they start interfering and then I have to go and see people like you. It’s the interference that makes me unhappy.”

Samuel chose to ignore the point I was trying to make. He loomed back, (only this time more kindly).

“People only interfere because they love you.” He said. “They worry about you.”

That really annoyed me. “That’s not love,” I said. “It’s control. If people really loved me then they’d take the time to try and understand what I want instead of trying to make me do what they want.”

Samuel was blinking at me, and then he did what he always does when he doesn’t want to discuss things anymore, he got out his cheery voice and said. “Well that’s us finished for another session.”