Archive for December, 2012

Monday, 31st December, 2012

God, I feel rough this morning, last night’s party was great, although I did make an arse of myself. I couldn’t believe how nervous I felt about it and I couldn’t pin point what it was that I was nervous about. Imogen was trying to tease me that I was worried about meeting his parents, but that wasn’t it. Anyway, we were finally ready after a mammoth getting ready session where I had to practically fight Imogen off with a bayonet as she advanced on me with make up and hair stuff. We had already had a bit to drink, but I felt like having a bit more to “steady my nerves” bad sign I know. So when we got to Matt’s I was already a little worse for wear, but thought that I was managing to pull it off. We stayed out of the way of any parents and their friends and set up camp in the conservatory. It was a good evening of chatting and drinking and stuff. Then Imogen went off and had a dance with some cousin or other who was down and Matt and I had a chance to be on our own. After a bit of snogging where he had done some groping as well, we suddenly got onto the subject of sex, I think it was mostly my fault as I was kind of worrying about that and having had a few drinks I suddenly have a tendency to bear far too much of my soul. I can’t believe some of the stuff I was saying – it took me half an hour to pull my head out from under my duvet this morning in shame. I was so corny and told him that I hadn’t had sex before and wasn’t sure if I wanted to yet, but that if I did, he would be my choice – I can’t believe it, the shame of it and what was worse is that he was just chatting away as if I wasn’t revealing my inner secrets like a plate of dinner. He is not a virgin, I know he told me that he’d had sex with his last girlfriend, but I don’t know if there had been anyone else. I’m not going to talk to him for a few days, it’s too embarrassing.

Sunday, 30th December, 2012

Am going over to Imogen’s at 4 to get ready, she was all for having me over at 1 but I was having none of it, I thought 6 would do it, so we did end up having a bit of a compromise.

Saturday, 29th December, 2012

Mum said it would be OK to go to the party on New Years Eve, Claire grimaced over at me. I think she’s a bit jealous, I think she quite likes Matt herself and can’t understand what he sees in me. Imogen is really excited and has insisted that we go shopping tomorrow to hit the sales and get something new to wear. I can’t think of anything worse, but she’s got some money burning a hole in her pocket and wouldn’t take any of my attempts to get out of it. Claire said she couldn’t believe I was actually going clothes shopping, so I told her to mind her own business and then said perhaps she minded mine because she didn’t have any of her own. She stamped off in a huff.

I could kill Imogen for insisting we went shopping today, it was worse than when we went before Christmas, even more aggressive, I couldn’t believe the people barging you out of the way of the clothes racks. Imogen shops like a demon though and managed to grab some stuff that I liked but hadn’t seen on the rail. Eventually we managed to get something in the right size. I don’t understand how the average size of a woman in the UK is supposed to be 14 and yet all the clothes that are in the sale are 14 or over, there are hardly any 10s let alone 8s. But Imogen managed to find me a pair of black hipster trousers and a hippy top with mirrors in it that was really nice and half price. She got herself this spangly dress number, I couldn’t believe it when she thrust it in my face and said she couldn’t be serious about buying it, but when she tried it on she looked really good, I thought she was going to look like a stripper. We came back to mine after and had something to eat while she rattled on about what time I was going over to hers the next day to “get ready”, unfortunately she was gabbling on while Claire and Andrew were there, Claire started smirking at me as if to say “I always knew you were a big girl really” and Andrew rolled his eyes in disgust. It was really embarrassing, but Imogen was oblivious to the mountain of shame she was causing me.

Friday, 28th December, 2012

Matt phoned today and asked if I wanted to go to a New Years Eve party at his house, I asked if I could bring Imogen and he said that was OK. I hope mum will let me go, I think she’ll be all right about it since it’s at Matt’s house and his parents will be there.

Thursday, 27th December, 2012

Am really bored with all the Christmas rubbish now. Everyone seems listless, as if what they were waiting for is now all over – and it is.

Wednesday, 26th December, 2012

Went to Imogen’s today, it was a bit quiet in her house, but her Dad seemed OK, if a

bit distant. I asked her how he was, but she didn’t want to talk about it and just said: “Oh, you know.” Hmm, wouldn’t have

asked if I did.

Tuesday, 25th December, 2012

I used to like Christmas when I was a child, I used to get all excited as soon as the cards and decorations went in the shops, but then I realised that it’s just a huge anti-climax, you get excited about it for weeks in advance, you think it’ll be the best day of the year with everything as perfect as it could be. But what you get is rubbish TV, a long wait for food and a pile of presents, most of which will end up in the cupboard never to be seen again. For the past few years I’ve dreaded Christmas and because of that, I’ve got more and more annoyed about all the crap, the overpriced rubbish that’s sold, the way that people who don’t speak to each other all year suddenly become best friends etc. So anyway, it normally works that if I dread something it’s sometimes not as bad as I thought it was going to be. This Christmas day was a bit like that, I had dreaded it because of all the crap leading up to it and because stupid Steve was coming, but it ended up not being too bad at all. Part of that was because Mum and Steve both seemed a bit hung over and embarrassed about being hung over on Christmas Day. They bustled about waiting on us all hand and foot, Steve was still trying to be the best of boyfriends and kept telling Mum that she could

sit down while he basted the turkey and sorted out the veg. He had bought a bottle of champagne and insisted that we had it at breakfast, which is not normally something that we’d do. This year the presents were much better than usual, I don’t mean more money was spent, I mean that people seemed to choose the right thing for the right people, I’d bought Andrew a CD which he was really pleased with, he acted as if it was more likely that an alien would land in the back garden than that I’d get him something he wanted. Claire was the same as well, I’d bought her a top – at least Imogen had chosen it and Andrew’s CD come to that and Claire went on and on about it, you’d think she’d never been bought a top before. Unbelievably, Mum had bought me a DVD player for my room so I was really pleased with that.

Uncle Angus came over at eleven, he was in a good mood and was throwing waspish comments at people and then chortling to himself. I suddenly realised just how quiet and distracted he’d been lately and what a difference it was when he was on form. He told Steve that he hoped he would still be this helpful when he really had his feet under the table. Uncle Angus used

his politest voice, so it was ages before Steve realised that he had been insulted, Uncle Angus raised his eyebrows at me and grinned. He had bought me a really nice wall hanging from Hong Kong and a book on the history of feminism, it was something Aunt Evelyn would have been proud of. We sat and watched some TV and had the meal, it was of course a big roast but it was nice. The only person who was totally crap was Dad – in fact he was so bad that Claire said she knew that he’d left Lindsey to do the shopping and it looked like she’d just randomly picked stuff off the shelves.

Sunday, 23rd December, 2012

It’s one thirty in the morning, I should be knackered but I just can’t sleep, part of it is a bad feeling about Imogen’s dad, part of it is left over frustration with the family and part of it is Matt. Mum had us up at the crack of dawn this morning ordering us to get the house ready for the party. We were on cleaning rota while she hit the shops as early as possible for the party and for the Christmas and Boxing Day food. Even Claire, who normally gets stuck in was grumpy about how much we had to do, Mum had left us dire warnings that it had to be done by the time she got back or death to us all – we had to get on with the cooking once the food arrived.

Andrew didn’t know what had hit him when Claire bossed him into doing the downstairs loo and watering the plants, he normally manages to get out of this kind of crap – amazing how much you can get away with when you have a wanger..

When it was finally done and we were hot, sweaty, tired and grumpy Mum shot into the house with a new set of instructions. Sausage rolls, pizzas, quiches, dips and chopped up veg, all that kind of thing, plus more tinsel, sorting out the cards etc. No sooner was this under control than she started going on about who was going into the bathroom first, what we were wearing, I have no idea why she wanted to have this party if it was going to drive her to a nervous breakdown.

Eventually, we were all ready and looked presentable enough to pass Mum’s inspection (not helped by that idiot Steve turning up early and making comments on how well we all scrubbed up – what an arse). Then Mum started panicking because she thought people weren’t going to turn up, then when they turned up she was panicking in case she hadn’t made enough food or bought enough drinks. Imogen and her dad turned up at about half eight, I haven’t seen him for a while because he never seems to be around, but he looked terrible, greyer in his face and his hair, thinner and kind of blank in the eyes. He sort of stood about, talking to people if they talked to him but not making much of an effort. He was drinking straight whiskey all night and eventually began to sway on his feet. His eyes were following Imogen wherever she was and he started to call her over to him all the time, she would rush over to placate him and then slip off as soon as she could. He patted her bum and her head every time he could and basically tried to treat her as if she was seven, the pressure was clearly getting to her because she kept sneaking into the kitchen for more drinks (Mum’s kind of OK about us drinking, as long as it’s not too much and as long as we don’t get drunk).

The party was very bizarre, all this chatting and drinking going on while all sorts of emotions were being played out. Steve was trying to stamp his authority on the house by offering people drinks all the time and acting as if he’d moved in. He kept saying that Mum should sit down and enjoy herself since she’d put in all the work. Then at ten in the evening there was a knock at the door and Matt was standing there, he wanted me to go for a walk, I said I couldn’t really as there was a party but he wanted me to slip out for ten minutes, so I said alright and got my coat, but then Imogen followed me out and the three of us just walked for a few minutes, which was embarrassing as I was worried Matt wanted to say something but couldn’t because Imogen was there. But worse was yet to come, when we got back to the house we found that Imogen’s Dad was standing swaying in the sitting room with tears streaming down his face and that nobody had noticed, or if they had they weren’t doing anything about it. He wasn’t making any noise or anything, but if you looked at him the tears were pouring down his cheeks. Matt was really good and said that he would walk Mr Markham and Imogen home, but Imogen’s dad suddenly came to and said that he would drive them back as he’d bought a car, it was ridiculous, he was in no state to drive so Matt said that they ought to leave the car and get it in the morning. Mr Markham was having none of this, as he needed the car in the morning “it’s Christmas Day for God’s sake”, he ended up shouting. In the end, Matt managed to persuade him that he was insured to drive the car (he wasn’t) and bundled them in with Mr Markham still complaining. He’d got a bit aggressive like people do when they’ve been drinking, I was really worried because I know that there were loads of police about stopping cars because of drunk drivers and I could just imagine them being pulled over and Matt not being able to produce an insurance certificate.

I waited for ages and finally he got back and said that he had got them home OK but it was a bit hairy and that he hoped that Imogen’s dad had just been really drunk because if not, he needed some help. I asked him if there was something he wanted to talk to me about, but he said that he had just wanted to see me.

By this time people had started to go and most people were quite drunk, Andrew had buggered off to his bedroom, bored with the whole thing and Claire had conked out on the sofa, you could tell that mum was a bit drunk because she hadn’t woken Claire up and sent her

to bed and she kept looking over at me all the time, whereas normally, she would have been very discreet if I had someone over. Matt and I went into the kitchen to get a bit of peace and a drink, but then there was a huge embarrassment when Claire, who had woken up, stumbled into the kitchen to get a drink of water and found Matt and I kissing. I couldn’t believe what she said – “God, who’s snogging you?” It was so embarrassing, I could have killed her, but at least when he turned round and she saw who it was she had the grace to say sorry and stumble off to bed. Unsurprisingly, Matt decided it was time he went.

Saturday, 22nd December, 2012

I hate shops, I hate shopping and I hate people. I can’t believe what a nightmare today’s shopping was, there were people everywhere, walking along in huge groups, not leaving any room for anyone else to get past, that is of course, if they didn’t just stop still to look at something, making sure that people behind them bumped into them, and then had the cheek to tut about it. Of course there were people who couldn’t make up their mind whether they wanted to go into a shop or not, so stood outside, blocking the doorways or made sharp last minute about turns to get in. I really could have stood and screamed at them, but they were like bunches of sheep who had no idea where they were going. All this of course was just the joy of getting into a shop, once in there, the things you wanted were sold out, people barged you out of the way, and if, by some miracle you found something you wanted to buy you then had to queue behind thousands of people for hours, who complained about how slow the queue was moving but still didn’t manage to get their money ready in time to pay. I’ve never seen so much routing about in handbags for purses that seem to be invisible but turn out to be the size of a pillow when they finally get unearthed. I’m still so mad I can’t even be bothered to write what I bought. Then Imogen came over we were going to wrap our presents, it was of course her idea, I felt like a sap, normally I leave it til the last minute and get it done as quickly as possible, but she came over with all sorts of ribbons and stuff, I must admit, they were the best looking presents I’ve ever been involved in.
I got a phone call from Matt after lunch, I don’t remember ever giving him my number, but he asked if I wanted to go and see a film, I was a bit taken aback, but did manage to say yes, so I’m meeting him later at eight. I

think Imogen would have liked it if I had asked him if she could come too, but considering the last thing he said about her was that she was a

bit of a nutter, I thought it best not to raise it. . . .

That is a bit mean though, especially as she helped me with all the presents I bought yesterday – she’s really good at knowing just what people want. I got him a new release of some David Bowie stuff on DVD – Matt’s a big fan of early Bowie.

Oh, and Imogen is coming on Christmas Eve and she’s bringing her Dad.

Tonight was brilliant, I’d been worried that there’d be some sort of back row nonsense going on, and then also worrying that there wouldn’t be, I don’t know about Imogen being a nutter, I think I’m worse. But I needn’t have worried, it wasn’t any embarrassing arm round the shoulder crap, he just took hold of my hand for a bit and left it at that. Afterwards we went for a coffee and just talked for ages and then he walked me home and we had a snog. I really enjoyed the snog, I thought I’d make a real cods arse out of it, but his lips were soft and not too wet, he didn’t choke me with his tongue and we didn’t bang teeth. It was nice and gentle and it made my heartbeat and flutter, it felt sexy – I can’t believe I just wrote that.

Oh, and he really liked his present, I did confess to having opened his and said it was really good – which it is. The woman who wrote it gets annoyed about the same kind of things that I do too.

Friday, 21st December, 2012

I think Steve was trying not to be such a pratt last night, but it didn’t work very well. Imogen wanted us to go to some party tonight, but I’ve managed to get out of it because Dad’s coming over. We are going to the shops tomorrow to get some Christmas presents and Mum keeps going on about having Imogen over for a drink on Christmas Eve and could she bring her Dad, I’ll have to talk to her about that tomorrow. Dad was supposed to be coming at ten, but he didn’t manage to turn up until eleven, muttering grumpy

excuses about traffic. Claire and Andrew had been really excited about seeing him, even though both of them had realised that he doesn’t bother with us much anymore. Mum was all nervous and flustered but

still insisted that he came in for a cup of tea. He’d brought a bag of Christmas presents with him, but it doesn’t look very big. . . Then we went to a Harvester for lunch, I hate Harvester’s but Dad and Andrew really like a meat fest. Then in the middle of that, Dad dropped a bombshell that his wife, Lindsey is pregnant. I couldn’t believe it, the way he just flung it in. Not only that, but the baby is due at the beginning of May so he’s known about it for ages, no wonder he hasn’t been keeping inn touch. I had to hand it to Claire though, about ten minutes after the bombshell she started going on about Steve and implied that we really like him. The cheek of Dad – he got grumpy and said that he hoped he was a decent bloke if he was going to be around his kids!! Then Andrew said that at least he did spend time with us. Dad was mortified. I didn’t know that Andrew and Claire could harbour such rebellion.

Thursday, 20th December, 2012

You can really tell what a different year this has been, firstly, I got Christmas cards at school from people who had never even spoken to me, it really pissed me off, people are so shallow. Jade has been avoiding me after her awe-inspiring insult on Monday. Everyone was

in quite a good mood and we didn’t have to do too much in the lessons or anything.

I did have a bit of a shame alert though when Matt came up and gave me a card and a present – it was only embarrassing because I hadn’t got him anything. I’ll have to sort that out pretty quickly, I opened it and

saw it was a writers guide to getting articles published, it’s a really thoughtful present, but now I’m worried about what to get him. I know I shouldn’t really have opened it, but I’m crap at this kind of thing and need all the help I can get. All in all the day wasn’t too bad until I got home and Claire told me Steve the creep is coming for dinner.

Wednesday, 19th December, 2012

I finally had my appointment with Willa, it’s weird, I spent all that time really resenting having to go and see these people, I felt as if I was being thrust off to see someone when there was nothing wrong with me, but now I feel differently. It’s not that I think there’s anything wrong with me, or that there ever was anything wrong. Maybe it’s Willa,

she has never patronised me or tried to get me to say things that I didn’t want to, it’s easier and I don’t mind talking to her. I know that what I say to her is confidential and I know that she won’t hold what I say in her mind or her notes and then throw it back in my face later. She just listens and then says something interesting and practical or she keeps quiet. We talked a lot about Imogen, Willa feels that she is still in shock over her mother and that it’ll take time for her to get over it, she thinks that it’s not surprising she’s going off the rails but that different people work through their grief in different ways. She did say that it was worth keeping an eye on how she was dealing with it and trying to be there as much as possible to support her. When I said I was crap at that sort of thing she just kind of looked at me for a bit and said that she didn’t think I was at all. It really is weird, I felt much better after talking to her, not at all the way I used to feel before – as if I’d just had five teeth pulled out.

Thank god we break up from school tomorrow, but having said that, it’s mayhem at home. Claire has some spare cash because of her job and is acting as if she’s Lady Bountiful, dropping hints about what presents she’s bought and all that rubbish. I suppose I’m going to have to hit the shops and see what kind of presents I can get. I hate it though, at this time of year all the shops are full of is glittery clothes for parties, rubbish sets of toiletries and packs of jams or mustards for the older folk.

Tuesday, 18th December, 2012

I went to see Uncle Angus tonight, it has been a while since I’ve seen him, so I felt a bit bad, but he didn’t mention it, and to be honest, I was beginning to wonder whether he’d noticed. He seemed a bit distracted again, and when I asked him whether he would come for Christmas he said that he would without a quibble, whereas normally he would huff and puff making it plain that he didn’t want to come and then either say he would or he wouldn’t, if he said no, there was no persuading him otherwise. I had thought that we would have dinner together, but he had had some soup before I got there, at least, that’s what he said. He was already on his sundowner (whiskey).

Monday, 17th December, 2012

When I got up this morning, I had a real feeling of dread. Firstly, I was still feeling knotty in the stomach about what happened at the pub, particularly, since Imogen had phoned yesterday and not mentioned it until I did when she said, “Oh well you know those blokes,” as if it was not a problem that they kicked ten barrels of crap out of each other over groping her. Then of course was the lurking spectre of Jade.

I needn’t have

worried about that though, Jade was back and seemed to have rejuvenated after her time off because she swaggered about as if she owned the school and threw a “don’t think I’ve finished with you,” comment at me to regain some cred. If I hadn’t still felt guilty about it I’d have reminded her that I’d finished her off, but I didn’t bother I

just walked off.

Sunday, 16th December, 2012

Well last night was another interesting one, firstly, I hadn’t seen Matt since his party, he said that he hadn’t been at school because he was working on his car for the MOT, I didn’t even know that he had a car, or that he knew how to fix one, but apparently he has and his brother helps him out with the fixing. Matt walked straight over when he came in and asked me what I wanted to drink, which was good as Imogen was doing her usual flirting and cavorting around the bar with various drunken idiots.

Matt and I had a long conversation about what we were going to do in the future, or at least it was a long conversation about thinking about options. I don’t even have much of an idea about what A’ Levels I want to do after GCSEs or where I want to do them. Matt is doing his A’ Levels at our sixth form and is thinking of going to Bristol University if he can get in or Exeter or Sussex, he wants to do a degree in Philosophy, I asked him what he would do with a degree in Philosophy, but he said that he didn’t think it mattered.

I hadn’t even thought about a degree, so he started grilling me about what I was interested in or what I thought I wanted to do, it was all getting a bit like the careers day, which had flown out of my head as if I had never had the conversation, but when I remembered it, I managed a passable explanation of my likes and loathing in journalism and hopefully didn’t come across as too much of a know-nothing fool.

Matt’s friends had been dropping in and out of the conversation, getting up and talking to people and then coming back, they all seemed to be nice and didn’t try and take the piss like some people do, trying to make you look small. I was actually beginning to feel almost part of a gang and it made me feel oddly comfortable rather than awkward and embarrassed. But then everything began to go badly wrong. One of the idiots round the bar called Steve started groping Imogen even more than usual and another bloke whose name is Tiggs, although I’ve no idea why, suddenly started getting arsey about it and threw a punch at Steve, then there was a right mess of testosterone explosion with all sorts of blokes steaming in, Imogen just stood there in the midst of it, nearly getting a good kicking just because she was in the way. Matt and I were really crap at first, we just sort of sat there in shock before jumping up to pull her out of the way, but in fact there was no need since Jed Carter seemed to appear out of nowhere and whisk her out the door. We followed them out leaving the mayhem in the pub with the landlord phoning the police and trying to get the fighters out. I was shocked and frightened and wanted to get away from there as quickly as possible, but Imogen just stood there and laughed. Jed had to grab her hand and drag her off towards her house. The last thing Matt said to me as he was leaving us at Imogen’s was “your mate’s a bit of nutter isn’t she?” Luckily, he didn’t expect an answer, because I don’t know what I’d have said. There’s loyalty to a friend, but there’s also the truth.

Saturday, 15th December, 2012

We’re going to the Swan tonight – because we didn’t go last week, which apparently means that we have to go this week. Dad is coming over next Saturday, which should be a joy. . . we haven’t seen him since the summer holidays. I wouldn’t mind but he only lives a couple of hundred miles away, not a couple of thousand.

Friday, 14th December, 2012

Jade still hasn’t turned up and now I’m going to have to spend the whole weekend worrying about seeing her again on Monday, I said something along the lines of this to Imogen, but she said she didn’t know what I was worrying about since Jade was clearly too embarrassed or scared to come to school. I told Imogen that this was what was bothering me, that I had a guilty conscience about it, but she didn’t seem to understand what I meant at all.

If I was seeing Willa this evening I’d have asked her what she thought and also why she thinks Imogen is my friend, she doesn’t seem to know me very well and she doesn’t seem interested in getting to know me. I suppose if I’m going to think about why she wants to be my friend I ought to think about why I’m her friend, but the answer is quite complicated. Originally, I did feel sorry for her about her mum and I wanted to do something to help if I could, but at the same time she fascinated me. She seemed so perfect and so aloof; I didn’t know what was going on in her head. Then when her mum died she seemed even more fascinating, going through such a terrible time and then changing the way that she has. Most importantly, I like her, I like the way that she takes me for what I am and doesn’t try and change me – apart from the eyebrows of course. I like the way that she lets me be silent if I want to be and doesn’t try and talk to me all the time, so I suppose that most of the things that I like about her are the things that make me worry that she doesn’t know me very well. God I’m an idiot, I wish I could just let things be without running them round my head all the time.

Wednesday, 12th December, 2012

Jade still wasn’t at school today and the scandal of yesterday is already beginning to abate because kid in year 10 has been suspended for being drunk at school. Anyway, the idiots have decided that Imogen is to be courted again, since she has clearly won the day, it’s sickening, how quickly you can be built up or toppled from the top of the castle. I hadn’t realised just how many people follow the lead because they are so terrified of being left out of a group on their own. They’ll follow anyone who seems to be in charge, yesterday they were screaming for blood like a bunch of animals and today they’re meekly trying to ingratiate themselves on the winning side.

Imogen was right to march back into school holding her head up, Jade’s absence has made her more vulnerable than she can possibly imagine.

Last night Imogen phoned me up and said “I forgot to say thanks today,” I asked her what for and she said, “you know, helping out and standing by me and punching Jade.” I said don’t worry about it, but I was still feeling a bit bad about the whole thing.

Willa’s not well and has rescheduled our appointment for next Wednesday, I wish it was on Friday as I expected, my head is whirring with all the stuff that’s been going on lately.

Tuesday, 11th December, 2012

Today, was just the worst day, it started when Imogen and I were walking into English, as we walked past Jade and Rebecca, Jade hissed “slag,” I didn’t think they were talking to us until Imogen stiffened beside me, then I thought that they must be talking to me, they used to say things like that every now and then when we were younger and before they were afraid that I was some sort of a psycho, but for weeks now they’ve been trying to be friends with us. We just ignored it, partly because it was a shock and partly because we weren’t going to sink to their level, but then it kicked off again after the lesson.

Jade said, “You’re such a slag,”

So I said, “Shut up you idiot, go and talk to someone who cares what you say.”

But then she said, “I’m not talking to you, it’s your mate who can’t keep her knickers on.”

It was a bit of a shock, but I grabbed Imogen’s arm and tried to walk her away from it all, saying over my shoulder “You’d better piss off Jade,” as aggressively as I could.

But Jade was in a right temper and she followed us screaming “Lee told me all about it, he told me you were desperate for it, he told me everything.” Then it really turned into a nightmare, Imogen went stiff and started to turn round, everyone in the corridor had stopped to stare and some of them were starting a “fight, fight, fight” chant. Jade was red and furious and before I knew it she’d slapped Imogen really hard on the face and had grabbed her hair. Imogen was trying to get out of Jade’s grip and people all around were laughing and cheering, I don’t know how it happened, but before I knew it, I’d somehow got Jade off Imogen and punched her so hard that she was sprawled on the floor crying. I was shaking, really ashamed of what I’d done, the corridor had gone quite except for Jades furious crying and Imogen was just standing there staring. I didn’t know what else to do so I grabbed her and we walked out of school.

Imogen was spluttering with “the cheek of it all” and swearing blind that she and Lee hadn’t “done anything,” and that he was a “lying scumbag” and that “Jade was mad bitch.” After a while I said that we’d better get back to school before we were in massive trouble, but that if she wanted to go home I’d try and cover for her, but she said that there was no way she was going to be chased out of school by the likes of Jade and that if she didn’t brazen it out she’d never be able to show her face again. I was really impressed with her, it had been such a nasty experience, but she wasn’t having any of it and we literally marched back into school. As it turned out, it was Jade who had gone home and Imogen and I got an hours detention for being late for the next lesson, but so far there hasn’t been any mention by any teachers about the fight, I don’t know whether they’re turning a blind eye or whether they actually missed it, I don’t think they could have missed it though, since it was such a Jericho Rumpus.

All through the day people were trying to get the goods on what had happened, but luckily they didn’t ask Imogen, and they didn’t dare ask me, I now have a huge psycho reputation, even bigger than it was before.

Monday, 10th December, 2012

Mum and Claire have started seriously talking about Christmas and guess what, good old Steve is coming on Christmas Day. Mum’s asked me to go and see Uncle Angus one night this week and try and persuade him to come, but I told her if I ask him this early he’ll definitely not come out of principle – he thinks that you should only start thinking about Christmas on the 23rd of December. Then Mum started going on about maybe having goose instead of turkey, Andrew and Claire nearly fainted from shock, Mum withdrew the suggestion.

Sunday, 9th December, 2012

Last night was a right old caper. Imogen was really excited from the moment she turned up at my house with some bottles stuffed in the bag with her clothes. She was going to make a real effort for this party; there was no stopping her. She had even brought some clothes for me, but I wasn’t going to get into that, I didn’t like the clothes and anyway, I’m taller than she is. Then she started going on about us doing our make up together – make up, I never wear make up, when she couldn’t get her own way about that she insisted on plucking my eyebrows. It was like having your skin ripped off in tiny agonising bits, eventually she got really angry with my shrieking and told me to shut up and keep still or I’d end up with the tweezers stuck in my eyeball. When she’d finished I looked in the mirror and couldn’t believe it, it looked like someone had taken sandpaper to my eyes, she kept tutting and saying that it would go down soon. How wrong she was, I ended up having a full make up job to get rid of the redness, along with a restyle on my hair, I think this may well have been a cunning plan on her part, but after she’d finished with me I looked like another person. Luckily I was then left alone to watch while she plucked and preened and powdered her face, but she did look good when she’d finished, she just looked better although the make up wasn’t too obvious. When we were finally ready we set off for the party which was at Matt’s house. It was a half hour walk, Imogen wanted to get on the bus, but it was embarrassing enough walking down the street with a throbbing face and too much concealer without getting on a bus.
I’d started to calm down a bit after we had had a few bottles at my house, so I wasn’t feeling as nervous as I had been, but as we started to get nearer my stomach was turning somersaults and I didn’t know why, I don’t know if it was because I though Matt Collins was interested in me and I didn’t know how to handle it, or whether I worried that he wasn’t interested and that I’d made it up in my head, or whether it was because the party was bound to be full of idiots and I’d have to sap it out in the corner, what I do know is that if Imogen hadn’t been marching us purposefully down the road I’d have legged it big time.

When we got to the party it was heaving, there were people everywhere, we pushed ourselves into the lounge and opened a bottle each, it was dark and quite smoky and it wasn’t just cigarette smoke, there was the sickly sweet smell of some blow being smoked, I didn’t recognise the smell, it was only later I saw the three dudes sitting under the stairs in their own little group away from the party and saw them passing round a spliff that I knew what it was. I don’t know how strong their smoke was but they certainly looked as if they were melting into the walls.

I couldn’t see Matt or anyone we knew so we stood there for a bit while people looked over at Imogen and seemed to wait for an opportunity to come over to talk to her. All of a sudden Jed Carter appeared out of nowhere and just stood at my shoulder, I said hello and he said “All right,” and then he just stood there, I couldn’t think of anything to say it was really embarrassing, but then all of a sudden Imogen stepped in and started talking away like she does when she’s had a few drinks, she was asking him how long he’d been there and what he was up to, he just stood there giving short answers and staring at her, then one of the blokes turned up from the Swan and Jed suddenly vanished. Every now and then I’d catch sight of him lurking somewhere, staring away, he didn’t seem to talk to anyone else.

Then Matt came in, talking to his mates and came over to us, it was really odd, we’d gone into the sitting room not knowing anyone and before long we were the centre of all the chat and comings and goings, I suddenly realised what it was that Imogen liked about being in the bar crowd at the Swan, it was the power, the power of holding court while everyone else danced attendance to her. I suddenly felt uncomfortable, I didn’t like it at all, I felt that for one thing, the attention was mostly for Imogen and I was just her friend, also that when I did get the attention I didn’t know what to say or do, and lastly, that it was all so fake, all this power play, who’s in and who’s out, all that crap, I really wanted to leg it. As all this was going on I suddenly realised that Matt was talking to me and expected an answer, apparently he’d said that he needed to go to the offy and was asking if I’d go with him. I didn’t really know what to say so I took the easy option and said “yeah, all right.” Imogen said that’s she’d be fine on her own, in fact I think she barely noticed that I was going.

It was freezing outside, I’d had a horrible feeling that loads of Matt’s mates would be going to the offy with us, but luckily, it was just he and I and then I started panicking about what I was going to say. He’s not much of a talker either, we just walked down the road not speaking for a bit, and then he said that he had “wanted to talk to me for a while, he thought I looked interesting,” I told him that I wasn’t really, but he said that “I wasn’t like any of the others.” After that it was easy, I knew he didn’t expect any trivial crap from me, so I could talk about things that were actually important, actually, I must have sounded like a right piece of work, because I ended up slagging off the whole world, but instead of him looking at me as if I was mad or thinking what a bitch I was he laughed and agreed, he came out with a few classic waspish comments himself and I really laughed. I felt better on that walk to and from the offy than I did at the party.

When we got back to the party I got a bit of a shock, Imogen was disappearing upstairs with Lee Brown that idiot in the Matrix band who kind of has a thing with Jade, I don’t know if they are still together, but whatever the answer, if his taste is bad enough to have anything to do with Jade then he must be a right scumbag.

I stayed talking to Matt for quite a while but Imogen didn’t come back, in the end she must have been gone for about an hour and a half, Matt had said that everyone had to be out of the house by midnight so before we knew it we had to get going. It was a really long cold walk back to Imogen’s house, I asked her what she’d been doing with Lee upstairs and she said “just talking”, I could hear someone behind us and realised that Jed was following us up the road, we slowed up and waited for him and he walked with us to Imogen’s house and then said “You shouldn’t have anything to do with Lee Brown, he’s bad news.” Then he walked off.

Saturday, 8th December, 2012

The family dinner was a nightmare of course, creepy Steve was invited, as if he’s part of the family and he tried to take over the whole conversation, with his cheerful “I hear you’re going out more often these days” to me. A horrifying “Gosh your hair looks nice,” to Claire – “Gosh” what kind of an idiot is he? Of course Claire got all giggly and proud about the compliment – she can’t see through him at all, sap that she is. He then spent ages boring us rigid by having a football conversation with Andrew, later Andrew told me that Steve doesn’t know the first thing about football “but at least he made an effort”. Hmmm, what an effort, boring sod. I am really glad that my bedroom is at the back of the house, if it was next door to Mums like Claire’s is then I know that I would be kept awake all night trying not to hear any noise from in there, because of course Steve stays over as a matter these days.

I’m terrified about going to this party, I don’t know why; Imogen is coming in about half an hour so that we can “get ready” here. I feel faintly sick.

Thursday, 6th December, 2012

I meant to have an “I don’t really want to go to the Swan this weekend” conversation with Imogen, but I couldn’t face it, by lunchtime I was getting very angry with myself for being such a wimp and not speaking my mind, but then Matt Collins came up and said he was having a party on Saturday and would we like to go. Before I knew it Imogen had agreed for both of us and arranged everything. Then she said that we’d have to go to the Swan on Friday instead, but luckily I couldn’t go as we are having a family dinner – luckily, what am I saying? Matt Collins is really sexy in an odd kind of way; his eyes are really glittery and piercing. He makes me feel sort of giggly when he talks to me, what a pratt I am.

Wednesday, 5th December, 2012

It’s really weird, I haven’t mentioned about Willa lately, that’s because the last time I saw her, which was nearly three weeks ago, she said that we might as well see each other once a month rather than once a fortnight if I was happy with that. I said that I was, but I wouldn’t mind having a chat with her (I can’t believe I think that, I always used to really resent them and their intrusions), but she is different from Sally and Samuel, I’m seeing her next Friday.

Tuesday, 4th December, 2012

Imogen came to dinner today, it was Mum’s idea, she wanted to “get to know her” a bit more, I wonder if she’s more intuitive than I thought, maybe she thinks that Imogen is a bad influence on me!! Anyway, dinner was fine, although Andrew kept staring at Imogen, it was weird because he has always quite disliked girls, but Imogen is like a picture on a chocolate box. We went up to my room to listen to music and I asked her how she was feeling these days about things, but she just started shifting about and looking uncomfortable and said that she was “alright”. I get a bit confused sometimes, I feel that as her friend I ought to try and make sure that she’s alright but I also think that one of the reasons she wants to be my friend rather than friends with anyone else is because she knows I don’t go in for too much talking. I asked her what she thought of the blokes at the Swan and she said she thought they were scum really but it took her mind off things. No – I wasn’t expecting that answer either.

Monday, 3rd December, 2012

I can’t believe it’s

December already, it’s absolutely freezing. It dawned on Mum and Claire last night that it’s already December and they started wittering on about Christmas and making

plans – give me strength.

Sunday, 2nd December, 2012

More of the same on the Swan front, except no sign of Matt Collins which is a shame – I keep thinking about him. I’ve started to feel less crappy in the mornings, thank God. Dad finally phoned and said that he must get down to see us

soon – don’t strain yourself will you?

Saturday, 1st December, 2012

Mum kicked off a bit about me staying out three Saturdays in a row – I always stay at Imogen’s, her dad doesn’t notice if we come in stinking of alcohol

buy cheap cialis

and clearly drunk, he’s still

wrapped up in his world of grief. Mum would be a different story and I don’t think she’d like it. I was a bit put out, it wasn’t so long ago she was trying to encourage me to go out and “enjoy my youth” and “mix with people of my age”, but that’s parents for you, never satisfied. Anyway, I had to use the old “Imogen’s still upset and her dad doesn’t like her going out because he’s still sad” routine, I felt like a right crapster saying it, but it seemed like the only excuse that was a winner and apart from that I was wondering why I was getting it in the neck when I didn’t even want to go. Even Claire piped in with her “you go out more than me these days”, what a handy comment, thanks Claire.