Archive for January, 2013

Wednesday, 30th January, 2013

Uncle Angus has been taken to hospital, he fell over and broke his hip. I couldn’t believe it, as he thinks that’s what old people do, and then I realised, he is an old person. He is spitting feathers, moaning about being in hospital, moaning about his liberty being taken away and moaning about the fact he has to have a replacement hip – “it’s an outrage”, he keeps raging. “They’ll mend, they’ll mend. But the nurses really like him and flatter and coax him, which seems to both annoy and enchant him – what a sap. I’m just really glad he’s moaning, otherwise I would be worried. Of course this has set mum off on one of her worries about him and wondering whether he’s all right on his own and that sort of thing. But I told her, if she thinks she’s going to shift Uncle Angus, she’d better think again.

Tuesday, 29th January, 2013

More studying, Imogen says that her head is going fizzy, mine’s about to

burst.

Monday, 28th January, 2013

Somehow or other, Imogen talked me into going round to Jed’s tonight. He was in, but didn’t ask us in, instead he told us to wait a minute and shut the door. After about five minutes of us looking like idiots at his front door, he came out with his coat. He had a black eye and as we were walking along (going nowhere in particular) I asked him how that happened. He just rubbed it and said “Just me Dad”. Just me Dad? “Your Dad belted you?” I asked him really shocked and he said. “Yeah, but don’t worry about it, I hit him back.” – Blimey. Anyway, we ended up in one of those little kids parks and sat on the

swings like a bunch of idiots. Imogen just barged on in with – “why have you been excluded then?” He said “well” and then spent ages thinking about it, then he said that he reckoned it wasn’t anywhere near as exciting as the rumours that were spreading. Apparently, Mr Harris, who is an English teacher had noticed Jed lurking about instead of being in his English class, he’d gone out to fetch him in, but Jed wasn’t ready to go and told him to F off, then Mr Harris had tried to persuade him, but Jed wasn’t having any of it. Then he said that he wished Jed was more like his sister, then Jed went mental and threatened to hit him and then the head got involved and Jed was excluded. Imogen said that she didn’t even know that Jed had a sister and Jed told us that he did and that she used to go to the school but she didn’t anymore. When Imogen asked him why he said that she lived with his nan. We didn’t know where his nan lived or anything, Jed said that she lived about thirty miles away, but that he didn’t see her very often because it was difficult for him to visit her and she never came to visit him. Then Imogen steamed in and asked why she lived with his Nan, but he just said “me Dad and that.” I think Imogen was going to press him, but I grabbed her arm and she looked at me and kept quiet. This was the most information we had ever had about Jed and he clearly wasn’t comfortable spilling his guts so it was best not to push him. After that we talked about stupid stuff and I cracked a joke about some of the rumours about him, he really cracked up when I told him the one about him snogging a boy. He held onto the swing, threw his head back and laughed from the bottom of his belly, it was infectious and we all started laughing really hard, but I couldn’t help noticing that it made his black eye glow and throb.

Sunday, 27th January, 2013

No sign of Jed last night, it was quite a quiet night, luckily, Steve didn’t turn up either. Matt and I had quite a good chat while Imogen entertained the idiots at the bar. Matt said that he’d heard that Jed had forced some young boy to snog him – I really can’t believe that rumour. I told Matt that I wanted to concentrate on doing some studying and he said that it was fine with him and we’d just see each other at the weekends. I can’t believe how easy it is to have a conversation with him and trust him about things. I have no worries that he’ll go off with someone else or any of that crap. In fact, I wouldn’t have even thought of it if Claire hadn’t left one of her stupid magazines about with those terrible problem pages with some idiot worrying that her “fella” was “going to get off with another girl” because she had a part time job. What a sap.

Did some more studying today, I am a sad swot and have done a studying timetable!!

Saturday, 26th January, 2013

Off

to the Swan again – Jed

was out when Imogen called.

Friday, 25th January, 2013

Jed Carter has been excluded from school for two weeks, I don’t know why, one rumour is that he got his willy out in front of the head. One is that he asked someone to touch it and one is that he beat someone up in the toilets. I don’t know if any

of them are true. But Imogen said that she was going to go round to his house tonight to viagr a pfizer find out. I tried to tell her that she should be careful with Jed because he really had a thing for her, but she just said she could handle him – hmmmm, maybe.

Wednesday, 23rd January, 2013

Mum declared that I didn’t have to do any of the washing up or chores while I was studying for my exams. Claire was livid and said that she hadn’t got out

of the chores when she was doing her GCSE’s, but mum told her it was because she refused to study. I am still laughing at the look on Claire’s face, she was gulping like a goldfish trying

to think of something to say, but couldn’t manage it. I think Mum felt a bit mean because she blushed and walked off.

Monday, 21st January, 2013

I asked Imogen if she wanted to do some studying together, first of all she looked at me as if I was mad and

then said that she thought she’d better and that she

needed to do quite a bit. We did some tonight, it was actually quite good doing it together, and we have most of the same subjects so it works quite well.

Sunday, 20th January, 2013

Did some studying today, I don’t want to make a complete mess of my mocks, but my mind kept wandering to last night. It was weird– Imogen was being her usual flirty self round the bar area and Matt and I were sitting at a table talking, then there was a bit of a commotion as this awful bloke called Steve who is always trying to get off with Imogen went too far and put his hand up her skirt. Imogen got really angry and started telling him to get lost, but he was a bit drunk and told her that it was obvious what she wanted. . . Then out of nowhere as usual, Jed Carter appeared and then loomed over to Steve. He just said “she told you to leave her alone mate.” And when he said mate, it was obvious that Steve was the last person in the world who was Jed’s mate. Steve thought about if for a minute and then said “fuck you both” and walked out of the pub. The thing about Jed is that he has a look, it’s a psycho look, and it literally means, I have nothing to lose, I could actually kill you here and now and not worry about the consequences – the thing is, it’s not just a look. I’m beginning to realise that where Imogen’s concerned he really means it. I called him over in the

awkward silence after the confrontation and he came and sat with us. He didn’t say much, but kept his eye on Imogen for the rest of the night. When Matt went to the toilet I told Jed that I thought he really liked her. He looked me straight in the eye for a few moments and said “she’s special”. And I suddenly knew what he meant, I had known it all along, but had forgotten it because she can be a bit annoying at times and always wants her own way. But he was right, she is special, as these thoughts were going through my head, he said “but you know that, don’t you?” And I said, “yes, I know that.” Then he just got up and walked off, honestly, he’s got the timing of a film star at times, but I don’t think he does it on purpose. Then, weirdly, he was lurking about outside to walk us home, I don’t know where he’d been in between, but Matt was quite relieved as he was quite knackered and he didn’t have to walk me home!!

Saturday, 19th January, 2013

Off to the Swan with Imogen tonight – quell surprise. Matt phoned and asked me if I wanted to go out, but I had to tell him that I was going to the Swan with Imogen and that would he come there. He was fine about it

and said it wouldn’t be a problem. I hope he was being truthful and isn’t pissed off when I put Imogen first. He does seem to like her more these days.

Friday, 18th January, 2013

We got our mock exam timetable today, it’s a nightmare, the exams start on 5th of Feb, we only have about three weeks to study. I think we should have had the timetable earlier, but the school cocked it up – great. On top of that, Imogen is really angry with me for not going out with her tonight, but I realised that I haven’t seen Uncle Angus for ages and I suddenly wanted to see him very badly.

Luckily he was in and we went for a curry – he remembered his wallet this time, but he was a bit weird and every now and then his mind would wander in the middle of a conversation. He did ask me if there was anything wrong and I said no, I just wanted to see him, but he couldn’t have believed me because he started on a long conversation which started with him telling me that things that seemed important at my age really weren’t important at all and that the older he got the more he realised that there is very little that is important apart from treating everyone as equal and not ever doing people a disservice, Uncle Angus never notices the world that’s closest to him, but he always knows what’s going on in the wide world. He really talks a lot of sense and makes you wish that you were as good and noble a person as he is, to him, things are simple, you just have to be a good person and never do anything you’re ashamed of. But I’m not a good person, at least, not naturally like he is, I have a short temper when it comes to fools – he does too, but he can always see some sort of saving grace in someone, even when he is sarcastically pointing out their inadequacies. I bet he doesn’t have anything like the bad thoughts about people that I do.

Wednesday, 16th January, 2013

I tried

to have a conversation with Imogen about sex today and whether she’d done it, but she was really weird cialis cheap and said she didn’t want to discuss it. It was a bit of a shame alert for me, I never

have conversations about stuff like that and I thought that she would welcome it, but she brushed me off as if I’d asked her something really personal, which it is, but I sort of thought she wouldn’t mind discussing it.

Tuesday, 15th January, 2013

I went round to Matt’s tonight, Mum doesn’t like us going out in the week very much but she said that it would be ok as long as I didn’t expect to do it every night. Claire was livid, she thinks she should be the one going out since she’s the oldest. It was a bit of a shocker at Matt’s though, because somehow we got onto the sex conversation again and it was a bit of an odd conversation, because I didn’t really know what to say. It should be a simple question – do I want to have sex with Matt or not? But it’s not a simple question. I’ll be sixteen on 9th February, but I don’t feel too young to do it, I think that Matt’s worth doing it with, but I don’t know if I want to, I don’t know if it’ll change things, if it’ll change me or us and then of course there are the risks, pregnancy, VD, all that kind of horror story. Also, I don’t want to define myself through sex, or define our relationship through sex. But then, it’s quite exciting and I kind of want to know what it’s like, God, I’m rambling on like a complete dolt. Anyway, I was really crap at the conversation and said I didn’t know whether I wanted to, he said that it was fine and that he wasn’t pressuring me, the good thing was, that I believed him, I knew that he wasn’t one of these blokes who’d start a big snogging session and then start a massive grope

extravaganza without asking me how I felt. But then again, sex is really important to boys – or is it? Does it depend on what kind of people they are? I think that Matt’s above all that crap, but maybe he isn’t. I have to shut up now before I drive myself insane.

Sunday, 13th January, 2013

Today I finally realised why people like Sundays, I just lazed about all day long, had a hot bath and didn’t even have to have a roast for dinner, mum made a pasta bake because she was busy doing stuff and she’s going out with the cretin today. Andrew said that Steve was a major hobbit and that he thought our house was turning into his burrow. I couldn’t stop laughing, sometimes I think Andrew has no brain

at all, but sometimes he comes out with a corker and you know that he is quite sharp – he is hugely right, Steve is a total hobbit.

Saturday, 12th January, 2013

It was such a shame filled evening last night, first of all, Matt said that we were going to go to the Dawdling Hedgehog, which is one of those renovated pubs where it’s all wooden floors and fancy pictures. I wasn’t keen, I find those places a bit intimidating, everyone is really dressed up and trying to look all sophisticated. When we got there, Matt was already there with a couple of his mates, but as Imogen and I stopped to talk to them someone came over and asked if we had any ID. Imogen started off with a tale of how we didn’t but that we were old enough, but the bloke just stood there looking bored and when she finally stopped just said: “If you haven’t got ID, you’ll have to leave.” It was really, really embarrassing, Matt and his mates still had almost full pints, which they were about to neck, but we said that we’d go to the Swan and they could come on afterwards. One of Matt’s mates was already moaning as he wanted to stay in the Hedgehog, so Imogen and I just went – well we had to, the bloke from the bar was standing there waiting until we’d gone. As we walked out people were staring and smirking as if to say “How did you ever think that they’d serve you in here.” When we got to the Swan we sat down and I spotted Jade and Lee Brown having a drink behind Imogen’s shoulder. I got a bad feeling in my stomach as I could just see something kicking off, they hadn’t seen us yet, but I knew Jade had a load of street cred to make up. Luckily, I spotted Jed Carter sitting on his own in a corner table (he really is a weirdo, fancy coming and sitting on your own in a pub), anyway, I whisked Imogen off and we went and sat with him. He just looked bemused at our behaviour and muttered “How’s it going?” Imogen was a bit mean, she said “Yeah, fine thanks.” And then launched into a fit of giggles with me about the shame of being chucked out of the Hedgehog, as if Jed wasn’t there at all. But, to be fair to her, I tried to involve him in the conversation and he didn’t seem that interested, he just wanted to sit and listen and watch. It’s funny, but I used to find his habit of staring really creepy, but now I find it sort of reassuring. Then I felt even better because I saw Jade and Lee leaving the pub, my sigh of relief was so great it nearly wooshed them out the door. I don’t think I was the only one because just at the moment that Imogen may have spotted them Jed suddenly flipped his willy onto the table and leered at us. I haven’t seen him do that for a while so I was a bit surprised. Imogen just said “I wouldn’t boast about that if I were you,” Jed started laughing, a proper belly laugh and then put it away – to think he was looking bemused at our behaviour. . . Just as I was getting over the shame of being chucked out of the Hedgehog, Matt came in with a couple of mates and a girl who had been at the Hedgehog earlier, she was moaning about coming to The Swan which she was calling an “old geezers pub” and saying that she didn’t see why they had to go there just because some “girls couldn’t get served”. Imogen was glaring up at her and spitting feathers, and I was thinking that just as one disaster is averted another one rears its head. We managed to ignore her for most of the night so it wasn’t too bad.

Friday, 11th January, 2013

Imogen said that she had tried to ring the sister but there was no answer, I think she’s lying. Imogen is one of those people who thinks that if you ignore something it’ll just go away, I don’t think that she has realised her father is having some sort of a breakdown. She just wants to carry on as normal because she thinks that if she does everything will be ok.

Thursday, 10th January, 2013

I keep hassling Imogen about getting her father some help which is really ironic coming from me. She basically told me to mind my own business, but eventually I managed to get her to agree to ring his sister and ask her to come over and help.

Wednesday, 9th January, 2013

I had an appointment with Willa today, it was fine and we just chatted about things, then we had a big discussion on why I was seeing somebody like her at all. She said that in the conversations we had she couldn’t see any cause for concern and that if I agreed she would have a word with Mum about cutting down on seeing her or stopping seeing her unless I felt like I needed to. It was odd because I was sort of happy and sort of sad. I told her that I had always resented being sent off for someone to get into my head, but that I found the chats with her were quite helpful. We decided that it would probably be best if I just went to see her if I needed her. Then, as these things happen I went round to Imogen’s and found that I immediately had something that I would like to discuss with Willa. When I got there she opened the door and whisked me upstairs really quickly. She said that she was trying to keep out of her Dad’s way because he’d been drinking. We could hear him crying downstairs, big, wrenching sobs, I asked her if we should go and see if he was alright, but Imogen was stony faced and said that she was sick of it, it was time he pulled himself together, that he was always doing this when he had a drink, but that he wouldn’t stop drinking. I couldn’t stand it and persuaded her to come round to mine for something to eat, Mum was not pleased as it was late notice and she hadn’t cooked enough.

Monday, 7th January, 2013

We keep having these lectures about how important this year is at school and how we must “get our heads down” for the exams. The mocks are coming up soon and we are supposed to work just as hard for those as for the real exams. Imogen seems unconcerned about the whole thing, she is a bit above average when it comes to tests and grades, but I keep having teachers trying to have “quiet” conversations about making sure that I don’t waste my brain and how I’ve got a big future ahead of me if I study hard. . . Even mum is going on about it and she tends to not go on too much about grades since Claire was never very good at getting high grades and gets upset that I do.

Saturday, 5th January, 2013

I decided that honesty was the best policy with Imogen and took a deep breath and spilled my guts. She thought the whole thing was hilarious and wasn’t even pissed off with me for lying about feeling ill. She said the next time there was a problem like that I should just tell her straight away so that we could sort it out together. She likes making plans and sorting out the pros and cons of a situation, so I can see some sense in talking to her about problems. But, I don’t think she quite understands how embarrassing I find all this kind of crap. Anyway, after a drink at the pub all seemed to be back to normal and Matt was his usual easy self with me. I was lulled into a sense of security until Imogen went to the loo and he leaned over and asked me if I had been upset because he had already had sex with someone!! I think he realised he was on the wrong track when I burst out laughing and said no. He looked pretty relieved and everything seemed fine. Now that he’s mentioned it though, I don’t like the thought of him having done it before, I hope he practised safe sex.

Friday, 4th January, 2013

I woke up feeling really pissed off and bored this morning. Everyone was annoying me and I ended up having a go at Claire when she sneered at me and asked if I had boyfriend trouble. I was really nasty to her and said some bitchy things just because I knew that they’d really hurt her, like that she was fat and spotty and that nobody like her much which was why she was so interested in what I was doing. I knew as I was saying it that she would be really upset and I could see her face crumbling, but I was angry and couldn’t stop myself, then when she burst into tears, instead of saying sorry or at least being kind, I just walked off telling her that it was typical of her to cry like a baby. Then I felt doubly bad about everything and couldn’t apologise to her because I was still angry and although I knew I’d been a complete bitch I still sort of thought that she deserved it. The thing is with Claire that she doesn’t know when to keep away from me and she hasn’t got a quick tongue so when I really go for her jugular she’s like a kitten who’s being savaged by a Doberman.

In the afternoon Matt turned up out of the blue and wanted to know why I was avoiding him, I said that I hadn’t been avoiding him, I just hadn’t been very well, which he thought was a pathetic excuse since obviously I could have returned his phone calls. He kept asking me what was really wrong, but I couldn’t tell him, I mean how would it have sounded. “Oh, well the thing is I’m embarrassed about having a conversation about sex with you.” What am I? Ten years old. So I kept saying there was nothing wrong and he took that to mean that there was and I wasn’t saying so eventually he said that he had to go and I knew that if he left now with this situation going on that it might all be

over. What a nightmare, in the end I said that Imogen and I were going to the pub tonight and would he come, I said that I had been going to phone him but that he turned up before I could. I don’t think he believed me, but there was a gratifyingly relieved look on his face and he said that he’d see us at eight. I can’t believe what a complete and total socially inept idiotic fool I am. I spend all this time thinking everyone else has no brain and then act like a ridiculous sap. I get drunk say some stupid stuff, then get embarrassed and hide, then take it out on everyone else and lie to people, then I can’t admit it when I get the chance and jeopardise a really good relationship and now I’m going to have to phone up Imogen, pretend that I’ve had a sudden recovery and persuade her not only to go to the pub, but to say that we planned it earlier in the morning. On top of that, I’ll have to lie to Mum, she’ll be bad enough about me going out, with tomorrow being the first day of school. If I had a stick I’d hit myself over the head with it. I hate myself.

Wednesday, 2nd January, 2013

The whole house feels crap and everyone is grumpy and bored and I hate it all.

Matt’s phoned for two days running and I’ve said to say that I’m out. Imogen was desperately trying to get me to go to the pub tonight, but I don’t want to see him and actually lied and told her I don’t feel well. I felt badly about it though because she was really concerned and kept asking if I was OK and whether she could get anything for me. What a nightmare, school starts on Monday and I still can’t face the shame with Matt.

Tuesday, 1st January, 2013

I still feel rough, how long can a hangover last – or is it shame?