Archive for August, 2013

Saturday, 31st August, 2013

Finally heard from Jed today, he says that he’s OK and he’s at his Nan’s but he’s not sure what to do yet, he said that he knew he definitely couldn’t come back to his Dad’s. I asked when we’d see him again, but he said he didn’t know and wasn’t very chatty, he sounded awful. I spoke to Imogen later and said that if he wouldn’t come to see us, we should go and see him. She said that there wasn’t anything that we could do, but I said we weren’t sure of that and surely there was something, and anyway, we had to go and see him, he sounded really bad. We’re trying to make a plan but everything is getting busy at the moment, we’ve got bloody Funkster and then college starts in a week.

Friday, 30th August, 2013

I’m really impressed with Mum, she ignored what I said and went round to speak to Jed’s Dad, or at least, she tried. He told her to “Fuck off and mind her own business.” Mum said, “the man is an ape, no, that’s an insult to apes,” I cracked up; she was in a real temper. She said that he behaved like an idiot and that “people like that shouldn’t be allowed children.” She’s not wrong there. I had assumed that Steve had gone with her but she didn’t take him, I think she thought if she turned up with a man it would enrage Jed’s Dad further.

Thursday, 29th August, 2013

I told Mum about the situation with Jed and asked her if there was anything that we could do. I meant could we put him up, but she said straight away that we couldn’t, we didn’t have the space and anyway it was a bad idea. When I asked her why it was a bad idea, she said that he wasn’t our responsibility and she couldn’t take on the commitment – commitment, he wouldn’t be much of a commitment, he’s quite self-sufficient. She said that she would go round and see if she could talk to Jed’s Dad about it, but I said that maybe that wasn’t the best idea. I don’t want him to lose his temper with Mum.

Wednesday, 28th August, 2013

So much for that idea, Imogen woke up to find a note from Jed saying thanks for putting him up, but he’d gone to his Nan’s and he’d get in touch in a couple of days. It feels awful, it’s as if a part of our lives has finished and we’re really worried about him. He was so angry last night, it’s as if he feels that he did all that work for nothing. There was a teacher who said that the important thing about exams was that once you had them nobody could take them away from you. But I think Jed’s Dad has managed that.

Tuesday, 27th August, 2013

Just when I thought everything was going really well again it all seems to fall apart. Jed turned came to the pub with a load of bags. He’s had the biggest row ever with his Dad; he seems to think it is the biggest row because it didn’t have any violence in it. His Dad doesn’t want him to go on to the sixth form, he says that he should get a job and earn his keep and that A Levels aren’t for the likes of their family. Jed tried to stick to his guns but his Dad wasn’t having any of it, he said that either Jed got a job or he was out of the house. Imogen and I said that it would all blow over like it did before, but Jed’s convinced it won’t. He’s got nowhere to stay tonight; I said I’d have a word with my Mum and that he could stay with us. But Imogen said he should go to hers because her Dad wouldn’t even notice. Jed said that he would tonight but then he’d have to go to his Nan’s because that was the only place he had to go. I felt really sick when he said this, I really didn’t want him to go, I’d really miss him. When he went to the toilet Imogen and I said that if we could keep him here for a few days maybe things would sort themselves out so we set about trying to talk him in to it. But the thing with Jed is, he’s a really stubborn person, when he makes his mind up about something it takes ages to shift it. In the end we had to give up and decided to have another after he’d slept on it.

Monday, 26th August, 2013

I’m beginning to think that I’ll have to watch my drinking, I’ve been doing so much of it and it seems to be mushing my brain. The trouble is, there isn’t much else to do apart from going to the pub, there’s going to see a film or there is bowling, but that’s a bus ride away. Anyway, off to the pub tonight to continue celebrating!!

Saturday, 24th August, 2013

Had a great night at the pub last night, it was just a celebration, we had to all keep our voices down about what we were celebrating for in case we got chucked out for being under age. I think they must know in there that we’re underage, but they turn a blind eye. Not surprised really since we spend quite a lot in there, and there is hardly ever any trouble. Jed was like a gladiator; he almost swaggered with confidence about how well he’d done. At one point he said: “I don’t know how to say thanks to you, now I’ve shown my Dad that I’m not the piece of shit he thought I was.” I told Jed that his Dad ought to realise that it was him who was the piece of shit, not Jed. But Jed just said: “Well he had a hard life you know, his Dad used to beat him.” I suppose clichés come from the fact that they happen so often, but it’s still a toe curler. How can Jed say that and not realise what he’s saying, or maybe he does and just accepts it. It’s a mad world at times, and to think it was me who got sent of to a counsellor. Matt came in later with a congratulations card, I said: “But you don’t know what I got, do you?” He said: “No, but I knew you’d done well.” Sweet, but not sweet enough!!

Friday, 23rd August, 2013

I still can’t believe how well we’ve all done; we’ve been celebrating like anything. Claire is furious and keeps lurking about with her tail between her legs. We’re doing some more celebrating tonight, but first we have to work. Madge ended up being a bit of a bugger, we wanted to have tonight off but she said that we couldn’t, as she didn’t have cover. So first of all we’ve got to go and do a shift of standing looking interested at Funkster. I want to know some of the results that other people got, especially Jade, but wouldn’t lower myself to ask anyone.

Thursday, 22nd August, 2013

I’m so happy, I can’t believe how well I’ve done, I got 3 A**, 5 As and 2 Bs. I’m really pleased with that, I’d managed to convince myself that I’d made a real cock up. Imogen got 1 B, 5 Cs and 4 Ds, she’s not very happy, especially since it looks as if she will have to resit maths. But my favourite results are Jed’s he got 5 Cs and 3 Ds and an E. It’s much better than he expected and much better than anyone else thought he’d get, there was a time that people thought that he’d only get Es and Fs. He must have done really well in some of his exams because his coursework was a bit dodgy in parts. It means that we all have enough to get into sixth form college which is really good.

Wednesday, 21st August, 2013

Shit, results tomorrow, oh crap.

Sunday, 18th August, 2013

Mum invited Imogen and her Dad round to Sunday dinner today without even asking me. She just phoned him up and asked him round. He seemed almost fine when he came, a bit withdrawn but not too bad, he didn’t even drink all that much. Imogen was a bit uncomfortable and collared me later to ask why I hadn’t warned her what Mum was up to. Luckily, I was able to say that I didn’t know anything about it.

Saturday, 17th August, 2013

Madge gave Imogen and I a bit of a bollocking yesterday for not going over to customers quickly enough. The thing is, she is quite right – we don’t, but most of the time customers want to browse before they get hassled by a shop assistant. If you do go over they say, no we’re just looking and roll their eyes. I tried to explain this to Madge but she said it was better to be overly helpful rather than not helpful enough, she’s right I suppose. But I spent all yesterday evening and this morning having eyes rolled at me. Jed said that those women were back in the butchers today and told him that “his friend”, was back home. Sounds as if she’s better, or maybe the place she went to needed a bed. Her father has been remanded in custody, that’s all we know about. I asked Jed and Imogen if they thought we should go and see Janice, but they said “no way”, or at least Imogen did. Jed didn’t say anything. I’m sort of glad that Imogen said that, because I didn’t really want to go round and she’s made me feel better about not going – am I still making everything revolve around me?

Friday, 16th August, 2013

It was actually a really good night last night, there were loads of people from the sixth form celebrating, most of them seemed to do well. Of course it was in the papers saying that results were up and that clearly the exams were easier than they used to be. They were also saying that AS levels are actually much easier than the A2 which takes them up to A Levels. But anyway, it was a great night and everyone was in a good mood. It’s our exam results on Thursday, I really want it over and done with, but am getting nervous that I may have failed or not done as well as I’d hoped. It seems like a long time ago that we sat the exams and I can’t really remember whether I should be confident or terrified. It’s especially bad after seeing how everyone was celebrating last night – what if I’ve totally cocked up?

Thursday, 15th August, 2013

Matt phoned to say that he’d got an A and 2 B’s for his AS levels. I was pleased for him, but couldn’t believe that he’d managed to study so hard and shag Jade at the same time. . . He used the call as an excuse to ask me out again, this time I was prepared and said that I meant what I said about not getting together with him. He said that he’d understood that, but he thought that I might want to go out as friends. I told him that for the moment I was only comfortable seeing him when other people were around and that it would be a while before I wanted to go out with him on his own. Then he played his banker and said that he thought I’d come out and celebrate his results. Like an idiot I said that I’d see him at the Swan later as Imogen and I were already going. Now I have to persuade Imogen to come to the Swan tonight – not that she’d need too much persuading. How can I still be doing what Matt wants after all this time?

Tuesday, 13th August, 2013

Claire has started going on an on about her beauticians course, she thinks that she will either own her own salon as soon as she leaves college or that she will be beautician to the rich and famous. Mum makes me laugh because she keeps trying to be really supportive even though she hates the idea of it. Mum and Steve seem to still be getting on really well, they laugh and joke together – terrible jokes but they seem to like them. It’s not so bad having him around now, he doesn’t try to hard, so he’s not such hard work, he doesn’t try and interfere with us too much or boss us around. The AS results are out on Thursday, I wonder how Matt’s done; I hope he’s done all right. Claire of course won’t be getting any as she didn’t sit the exams, she’s a bit of an idiot going on about the beauticians course so much because it’ll be all over the papers when the exam results come out and Mum will be faced with the fiasco of Claire.

Monday, 12th August, 2013

That cheeky bugger Matt phoned today and asked if I wanted to go for a drink, I told him I couldn’t because I was going out with Imogen. I hope he gets the message. Imogen wanted to come round here, she wants to keep out of her Dad’s way, I tried to persuade her that we would have more peace and space at her house, but she wasn’t having any of it.

Sunday, 11th August, 2013

Everything is back to normal now, Imogen’s Dad is back, I’m back at home and Jed’s Dad acted as if nothing had happened when Jed went home, except that he asked Jed for keep, cheeky sod. I feel as if the fun of summer is almost over, especially since the exam results are out soon.

Friday, 9th August, 2013

Jed’s going home today, he ended up staying longer than he thought, it ended up being really nice just the three of us living together. I really don’t want to go back to living at home with Mum and Steve and Claire and Andrew. We had to spend the whole of today tidying up; Imogen’s Dad is back tomorrow. Jed’s going to see his Dad before work, I hope that everything’s all right because if it isn’t he can only stay over another night and then I don’t know what he’d do. Imogen and I are doing a late at Funkster and then we’ll go to the pub and meet up with Jed.

Thursday, 8th August, 2013

Imogen’s Dad is coming back at the weekend; he seems to be much better when Imogen talks to him on the phone. Aunt Sarah said this person he’s seeing thought that his relapse was just a temporary one due to the loss of his job. My question would have been why he lost his job in the first place, but they seem to think that he’s OK and that he’ll be fine at home. Aunt Sarah said that she’d keep a good eye on him so Imogen mustn’t worry about it. Mind you with her working and the amount of time she spends out, there’s little chance of her being too drawn into his problems. She amazes me about how detached she is about him, but it’s no good asking her because she gets in a mood and accuses me of interfering. I think that either she thinks that he’s let her down by not being stronger when she needed him after her Mum died, or he makes her feel guilty because she has managed to cope better and it makes it look as if she didn’t love her Mum as much as he did. I don’t know, she’s weird about it, but then anyone would be who’d been through what she has.

Tuesday, 6th August, 2013

It’s weird having Jed to stay, he has stayed over before, but because we know he’s here for a couple of days it’s almost as if we’ve gone into a little family unit. Jed automatically took out the rubbish the today because that’s a man’s job. . .

Monday, 5th August, 2013

Jed’s had another big bust up with his Dad, he’s got a big black eye and a cut on his forehead, but he said that he’d given as good as he got and he thinks this time things might change. He said that he knew he’d frightened his Dad this time and that he’d never done that before, his Dad’s chucked him out, but that’s nothing new and he said if it was OK he’d spend a couple of nights at Imogen’s and then go home. We thought that he should get some help and report his Dad, but Jed told us not to be ridiculous, he asked us what we thought would happen if he did that, and then went on to lecture us on the fact that he’d be taken into care and anything at home was better than that. Jed is still a real enigma to me at times. At times he seems really logical and strong but at other times you can tell that he’s lived too much life for someone of his age. It’s funny how sometimes life seems to be going really well and then it all takes a downward turn and then everything seems to be going wrong.

Sunday, 4th August, 2013

We had a really good night at the pub last night. Just Jed and I and Imogen, talking and having a right laugh. Matt came over and joined us for an hour but then wandered off, I’d like to say that it was fine and that it didn’t affect me because I’d got Matt out of my system, but that would be a huge lie. When I woke up this morning I couldn’t believe it was the beginning of August already. We’re off to mine today for the Sunday lunch and to sleep over and pacify Mum; she seems to have given up on the idea of trying to get me to stay over more. Soon Imogen’s Dad will be back and in a few weeks the exam results will be out and we’ll have to think about A’ Levels and all that stuff. Christ, I can’t believe the exam results will be out, I hope they’re all right.

Saturday, 3rd August, 2013

Janice’s mum came into Funkster today; she’s a really tired, mousy type of woman. She said that she’d come in to choose something for her daughter, I said to Imogen “quick go and make sure she chooses something nice that Janice would want”. It was just in time as Janice’s mum was about to choose one of the most disgusting tops in the whole shop. Imogen was really good and persuaded her Mum to get a really nice pair of trousers and a top. It’s really ironic as Janice’s mum never used to buy her nice clothes. She has to attempt suicide first.

Friday, 2nd August, 2013

It’s no good, I had to finish with Matt, I told him that I’d made a big mistake going back out with him, that I couldn’t get past the him and Jade episode and that I was sorry but I couldn’t go any further with it. I told him that I was happy to be his friend, but any more than that made me feel dirty and degraded and I couldn’t deal with that. He affected my personal pride and that was too much of a price to pay. The poor bloke did sit there while I ranted on at him and in the end when I finally came to a stop, he said the worst possible thing: “Are you sure?” At that point I left since the only alternative was to smack him round the head. I went to meet Jed at the butchers shop and we stopped in the park and talked it over before we went to the pub. He didn’t say anything while I was talking, but then he said that he thought I’d done the right thing and put his arm round me. Then he said, “Come on then, I’ll buy you a drink”. It made me laugh because we always have a kitty.

Thursday, 1st August, 2013

I think I must be the maddest person in the world, I had been bothered that no matter how much I tried I couldn’t get back to the way I felt with Matt before he did the dirty with Jade. I thought that sex was one thing that remained a constant problem, I didn’t really want to have sex with him knowing that he’d had sex with her, but I also knew that the longer it went on without sex the more of an issue it would be, so last night I thought, right I’ll just get on with it and get it over and done with – a great attitude to sharing my body with someone else. Anyway, it was a total nightmare from start to finish; it was so much of a nightmare I realised that I’d have to make a list:

  1. I realised just as we were getting started that I really didn’t want to do it, but thought that it was ridiculously late to stop it.
  2. Matt was nervous and a bit shambolic.
  3. I realised that I didn’t find him attractive anymore.
  4. I realised that I was degrading myself.
  5. Images of Jade kept going through my head.
  6. Matt started making noises like an animal – did he always do that?
  7. I couldn’t work out who I hated more, me or him.
  8. As soon as it was finished I was so disgusted that I had to leave immediately and left him bewildered.
  9. And then, and then of course felt guilty about everything including leaving him bewildered.